The K. Morgan Crawfords

Weekend trip to IDA

2012-02-01T08:25:00.000-08:00

Over the long weekend we took a quick trip to Idaho to see our favorite cousins - the Andrae! It was F-U-N! The boys played wii, the girls played Rummikub, the dogs WENT CRRRAAZZZYYY for each other. We ate some awesome food: butternut squash lasagna, sushi, homemade chili. Went to the movies. Went to church and heard, for the first time in my life, the words "crap" and "sex" from the pulpit out of the mouth of a young girl who has been married for 5 months. Had many wonderful conversations including quite a few regarding an article about President George Albert Smith's struggle with mentail illness/depression. We finished the weekend with a trip to Lava Hot Springs where it snowed while we dipped in the steaming waters. A fabulous trip!

Very late birthday post for The Boy

2012-01-13T02:16:00.000-08:00

Turning 9 years old strikes as a hard birthday for The Boy. The injustices of life, more than ever, seem to weigh heavily on him right now. His birthday was no exception. He requested to eat sushi with his cousins in Idaho Falls for his birthday. I was more than happy to oblige. As the rigor of last minute holiday work started rolling in, his birthday trip had to be cancelled. Instead, we ate sushi locally with The Boy's best new pal from across the street.

December is always a crazy month for me. Inevitably the month always starts out looking pretty empty but then fills very quickly with unexpected gigs as ensembles suddenly realize they haven't booked a bassoonist. Then The Boy's birthday, followed quickly by our anniversary, Christmas, Grandpa Ball's birthday, New Year and then my husband's birthday. In the past, I have been more vigilant with a loving letter devoted to my birthday boys. This year, The Boy's birthday got split between a late celebration with sushi and a REALLY late shared celebration with Grandpa Ball. Yet, even this injustice seems to mirror this new phase in The Boy's life.

These days there is a lot of whining...and complaining...and "stinky-face" making. There are a shocking amount of tears - what? - from our malcontent 3rd grader. There is a lot of snarky commentary about everything. It's a little rough. I have enjoyed my son a lot more at other times but this phase is inspiring me to look within myself to find explanations and solutions.

My brilliant sister, Shelley, counseled me the other day with the following wisdom. "Parenting is the opportunity to see ourselves mirrored in our children." A true and horrifying reality. It's similar to that saying, "What is it about you that you don't like about me?" I realize, rather dismally, that my son is a product of my own parenting and can only be modeling what he sees or what he has learned will work. I want to believe that my vigilant, consistent, and determined parenting would not have such results, but who else should I blame?

I reflect on a blog post I wrote a few months ago when I asked God to give me a new challenge - a challenge different from recovering from back surgery - and I actually suggested a challenge via my son. HA! Well, His goodness is complete!

Sweet Daddy-O and I have had a lot of conversations about what we can do to get this kid turned around. Being an only child is a unique challenge that truly does elude me. I do think bringing Sola into the family has helped but is clearly not an all encompassing solution.

We spent considerable time this week having LM read the entire proclamation on The Family. What I wanted him to learn was that he is not the only one who lives with expectations and consequences. We as his parents have considerable duties to perform and will stand accountable for our role as his parents.

"We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets."

No mincing of words there!

LM feels that he, alone, is required to work and he alone suffers discipline and punishment. What I want him to learn is that EVERYONE lives the consequences, sometimes punishment, of their personal choices - including his parents.

"Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities."

I think the above is may favorite part of the proclamation. When we moved, I took down our family rules and didn't put them back up in the new house. This week we instituted some new rules, more appropriate for a 9-yr old. I put the above paragraph on the rules to remind LM what our family needs to be doing to find happiness in ourselves and with each other. We emphasized the role of work in our home and talked about how "We Can Do Hard Things" if we work together.

Something else we seem to struggle with is doing a job completely and without being asked. We instituted a new chore chart which will hopefully inspire LM to do a few tasks around the house without me needing to nag him and thus eliminating that struggle. I made a morning schedule for LM about 2 years ago which was simply magical in getting him ready and out the door in the morning free from conflict. The new chore chart will hopefully accomplish the same thing.

What most alarms me about my little man is his attitude. More than anything, I miss my happy little boy and I'm hoping to see this smart mouthed little debater go away. We spoke to his pediatrician about it at the end of last school year and he assured us that, developmentally, it's actually quite normal, at his age, to challenge EVERYTHING and to look for ways to correct adults.

Well, that's good to know but it's still irritating to have a "know it all" in the house...I mean, we already have at least 2 of those.

As LM enters this 10th year of existence, I am profoundly aware that my work is extremely far from done. I feel a call to repentance! For many years LM was simply oblivious. Now it is evident that nothing passes him by and so, our ability to model the exact behavior, habits, and attitude we expect from him, is crucial. I realize that most parents cross this road at a younger age because they have children who are sensitive and learn through developmental mimicry very early. For us, this is new!

Recognizing his more in depth engagement and sensitivity to our home environment and our own adult behavior, I see a certain victory. Thankfully, he is engaged and observing and following. Those skills seemed to exist only on a wish list for years and now we can use them - for better or worse - to teach him in a new medium.

In all, LM demonstrates his keen intelligence on a daily basis! It's not easy to raise bright and quirky kids. Whatever challenges we face in rearing him, I'm still grateful everyday for the opportunity to form this incredible person. I joke a lot that he will be out of our home in 9 years and we are therefore half way done. It helps to give me some perspective but it also reminds me that my time with him, everyday, is very limited. Because I know I will be held accountable for the person he grows to become, my duty to him is all the more precious and purposeful.

Happy Birthday LM! You keep us on our toes, itching our brains, grinding our teeth, and filling our hearts. You continue to be the greatest adventure of my life - the most rewards and the most challenges. There is never a moment when I feel content because you always remind me that so much needs to be done.

Your goals this year include acquiring many hundreds more bottle caps (your collection is over 700 right now) and amassing an impressive lego collection.

My goals for you this year are: get you to Cub Scouts every week, find a better school for you, get you on a swim team at the rec center, and find a way to bring out your happy spirit.

We love you very much!

XOXO Mommy and Daddy

Sola the Wunder-pup

2012-01-13T01:03:00.000-08:00

Ain't she sweet? It's impressive how quickly she has become a part of our family and how much I cannot imagine our lives without her! She is growing so quickly and learning new things every day. The house-training is going well. Except for when Daddy-O decides to startle her with his big voice...and she piddles. She is super cuddly and also loves to play fetch with her toys. She becomes sad when LM heads to school everyday and tackles him the moment he gets home. She's very nervous taking car rides. She loves to play in the backyard but still seems hesitant to head out the front door, thankfully. She loves to give kisses but still nips a little with those *itchy* puppy teeth she is breaking in. She was a total champ at the Vet the other day getting all her vaccines, anal probes, etc. She struggled to get comfortable with her new collar - throwing herself against the couch, trying to rub it off - but now, doesn't mind at all. She has had several baths which she endures with incredible calm. She is clearly a product of excellent breeding. We are still a little unsure of how large she will grow. Her Dad is a 60 lb. white, service poodle. Her mom is a 40 lb. black lab. Sola has a little patch of white on her chest and under her chin. Her ears are ginormous and her legs are all poodle, leading us to believe that she will grow to be quite size-able. She is incredibly smart and has learned all of her basic commands even without treats. She is truly an amazing addition to our family. A perfect companion to LM - curling up with him every night - and a wonderful diversion for me during the day. We love you, Sweet Sola!

For my husband...

2012-01-13T00:45:00.000-08:00

Happy 32nd Birthday to my sweet Man-Candy!

It is so hard to celebrate this man's birthday.

He never wants anything: no party, no presents.

This year he did request dinner at Cheesecake factory - holy burrito!

The food was palatable.

I think he really just wanted the cheesecake...

...in addition to the Sweet Tooth Fairy cupcakes I picked up.

One small surprise I was able to sneak in.

On Monday, we celebrated our shared German Heritage!

We had spent the early part of the day downtown.

We lunched at Siegfried's and even managed to avoid the lunch rush.

While we were there, we decided to pick up some things for dinner.

Head cheese, blood wurst, "dark" bread, and veal sausages: awesome!

(No diet food here.)

(Look at The Boy - he's getting so stretched out!)

We also headed over to the tabernacle to catch the noon organ recital.

It felt like a private recital.

Not sure who the recitalist was but his playing was a little underwhelming.

How come organists are allowed to take such unnatural pauses?

The Haydn Trumpet Voluntary he began with sounded like it needed a lot more practice.

Like all great organ recitals, he did manage to play *unbelievably* loud -

and that is just really exciting!

You know it's good when you have to cover your ears.

I made a dent in the *AMAZING* red cabbage and managed a bit of the potato salad.

I had no problems polishing off the weisswurst before raising the white flag!

Seriously, love Seigfried's and look forward to another visit...

in about 6 months.

Some updates on the "home"-front

2011-12-26T14:07:00.000-08:00

(Kitchen: before)

Kitchen After: added custom blinds, upper cabinets over range, over the range microwave, purchased refrigerator, custom breakfast bar, custom pantry cabinet.

Front Room Before:

Front room: purchased area rugs, shelves, moved in piano, lamps, sewed curtains, custom blinds, use this space for Trio rehearsals, formal/large group dining, crafting - very versatile, likely will not add any furniture

Living Room: Before

Living Room After: sold futon and dual recliner, purchased leather sectional, custom blinds, new lamp, sewed curtains.

Studio Before (no pics - oops!)

Studio After: Moved everything in, started using it, made it messy!

Morgan's Room before (in Sugarhouse = basically a shoebox)

Morgan's Room After: a real room for a boy...filled with boy things.

That's about it for now. Future projects include:

painting the exterior (addition, not the brick)
new wood burning stove insert for the family room fireplace
total re-do of the master 1/2 bath
paint master bedroom and Morgan's room
put up shutters
re-do backyard and front of house landscaping
recessed lighting for front room and family room

Ball Family Christmas 2011

2011-12-26T12:54:00.000-08:00

Day 1: Arrival of Grandma and Grandpa Ball and Andrus Family, Trax ride to Temple Square

Day 2: Petrey Family joins the fun for adventure to Grand Hotel, afternoon at the Rec Center, and Birthday party for Morgan and Grandpa Ball.

Day 3: Christmas Crafts in the morning, lots of cousin playtime in the afternoon, Christmas dinner followed by Ball Family Talent Show.

Day 4: Everyone leaves, back to work!

Day 5: Christmas Day! Hang out with Crawfords down in Provo and eat ourselves into oblivion. Skype with Crawfords in Maryland, see the fabulous new Baby "B" who is delicious, and give Thanks for another year filled with blessings, babies, abundance, good health, and Thankfulness for Our Savior and God's Plan.

ALIF: Anterior Lumbar Interbody Fusion L4-L5-S1

2011-12-08T08:38:00.000-08:00

Before I had this surgery, I spent a lot of time googling and youtubing to see what people thought about it and what their experiences were. It was really scary to find so many negative posts and videos. I wanted to be sure to record my thoughts so that people who are having ALIF done will feel some hope and positivity about what an incredible surgery this is.

Background
I have had 3 microdiskectomies at L5-S1 to correct recurring disc herniations at that level.
The manifestations of those herniations were extraordinary sciatic pain down my right leg all the way to my small toe, with loss of feeling in my foot, weakness in the muscle, and loss of motor control throughout the whole leg and foot.
I had micro surgery in May 2010 and a year later was in the worst pain of my life.
The latest MRI I had in June 2011 showed a total collapse of disk space at L5-S1 with a herniation at L4-L5 and compromised disk space also at that level. In addition to the sciatic pain, the chronic back pain was overwhelming. Just prior to my ALIF on August 2, 2011 I was rendered completely bedridden. Moving to use the bathroom, shower, eat, go to appointments, even roll over, literally brought me to tears.
I consumed 300mg of Neuronten 4 x's a day (or more), 10 mg oxycodone 4x's a day, 600 mg of Ibuprofen 4x's a day, and had recently been put on additional nerve pain and muscle relaxers (Topamax, Prednisone, Robaxin, Tinzinidine) when my 10th steroid injection completely failed to relieve my pain.

Surgery
My surgery was performed by Dr. Kade Huntsman at the Salt Lake Orthopaedic Clinic, St. Mark's Hospital, Salt Lake City, UT on August 2, 2011. He was assisted by vascular surgeon, Dr. Simper. He removed the disks at 2 levels, put in spacers and secured them with 8 titanium screws.

I woke up in recovery with no back pain and no sciatic pain. I was in the hospital for 2 nights. I did everything I was told to so I could get home immediately.

Because of the substantial abdominal incision the hospital staff were most concerned with my bowel sounds. There is a good reason for this. I will warn you that my bowels were very strange for a few months after surgery. Your body's natural way of letting you know when "to go" are severely affected and changed. This is a little gross, but very true. I was SHOCKED by this aspect of the recovery and I wish someone had warned me. So, I'm warning you. Toileting will be a very different experience...I had a few accidents in the first week. Enough said.

In incision on my abdomen begins above my belly button and extends to the top of my pelvis. It healed on the skin very quickly.

My husband and I were blessed to be able to have 4 weeks of full time help for me after this surgery. For me, this was absolutely necessary. The bed time after this surgery is extremely long. I spent about 2 weeks in bed full time. In the third week, I started to venture out. Car rides were challenging to keep my core straight and the bumps were killer for a few weeks. I could get out of for a half hour before feeling like I needed to go home and lay down.

I did walk immediately after surgery. I was absolutely vigilant about taking 4 walks a day, they were slow, but they felt good and that is the direction from the surgeon. I got to a point where I was uncomfortable in bed, in the second week, and lived for my walks and dreaded laying down. That became challenging to me very quickly - all the bed time.

The greatest challenged the first 2 weeks were dealing with absolutely bizarre and incredibly painful muscular cramps down both legs - not just the leg that had sciatic pain. I had to moderate my walks as this point because I was walking too far. The best thing is to take many short walks. I also struggled to toilet myself. There's nothing pleasant to say about, I needed help.

Weeks 3 - 4

By August 16 I was able to cook with assistance. There is simply no bending or lifting with this surgery but I was definitely able to stand and walk for quite an extended time by the third week. In the 3rd week I felt well but was extremely limited in mobility. I was still on all the post-surgical meds but could definitely see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The fourth week, the recovery seemed to really improve quickly and I began weaning myself off of the pain medication. That was very challenging and I made myself sick a few times trying to get off the oxycodone. It took 10 days to stop taking the oxycodone without becoming nauseous. By week 5 I was only taking acetaminophen. REMEMBER: You CANNOT take Ibuprofen for 6 months after surgery because it will affect the bone fusion. I was also using a magnetic bone stimulator every day and wearing a back brace when I was not in bed.

Week 5

By week five I was feeling quite good. I didn't have back pain at all except for when I did something strange. I would get a sharp pain, correct myself, and the pain would immediately leave. For me, that was miraculous. I had some residual sciatic pain in both legs. That made me very nervous but my husband would help me stretch, I would take a lot of walks, and in a few days it would go away. It was never extreme sciatic pain but just enough to make me worry that maybe it was coming back - BUT IT WASN'T!. It is my understanding that this is very normal - the leg cramps and residual sciatic pain - as the nerves repair themselves. Because of the prior surgeries I tend to panic mentally when I feel sciatic pain and this part of the recovery made me feel very vulnerable. Now that I am 4 months out, I look back and realize I just needed to calm down and be patient.

In week 5 I made a profoundly foolish mistake and started playing my instrument full time. This leads me to the most important piece of wisdom I can share about ALIF. The most fragile and longest healing aspect of this surgery is not your back, the bone fusion, or the nerve recovery, it's the abdominal incision. In the process of returning to my work I ended up tearing tissue under my incision. It was incredibly painful and I didn't understand what was happening. The more I played, the worse it got. I really didn't want to stop playing and tolerated a lot of pain until I finally broke down and went to see the vascular surgeon.

2 months post-op

I was completely med free - not even Tylenol! This was unbelievable to me having taken some form of medicine almost every day since 2003. At this point I was even able to stop taking sleep aids and could sleep through the night very easily for 8 hours. I did develop some strange back pain in my thoracic spice. When I laid down it felt like something was poking into my spine about 5 inches about my previous post-surgical scar. I had this for a few weeks and then, like the other peripheral issues I had already experience, it just went away.

I finally went to see the vascular surgeon at this point because I was convinced I had caused a hernia - those were my exact symptoms. He examined me and assured me that there was no hernia but that I had to stop playing. It was at this point that he explained to me the incredibly fragile state my abdominal soft tissue was in. He chastened me that while my back felt great, my abdomen was not "even close" to being healed.

I stopped playing again and it took about 3 weeks to heal the tissue I had torn.

At 2 months I had bone fusion starting, the spacers were well seated, and the screws were holding tight. The X-rays were always perfect.

I was increasingly more mobile and tested some of my limits. You are taught not to bend-lift-and twist. This is very serious but I did adjust to squatting by this time. Squatting is great and allows you to get more things accomplished. It's probably still not advised and my husband was appalled every time he saw me do it, but if you feel strong, it's a decent option to get back to your normal routine.

3 months post-op
My bone fusion was finished at 3 months! I felt AMAZING! I was cleared to start hitting the gym but to keep it extremely low impact. I was cleared to lift about 15 lbs with a permanent restriction at 30 lbs. I was playing my instrument full time again and not causing tears in the abdominal tissue. I was NOT cleared to do any ab-specific workouts i.e. pilates, crunches, etc.

The incision got very dry (weather change in Utah) and did tear open on the surface. This gave me problems for 2 weeks as it continued to dry out and tear in the same spot. I have to be very careful to be sure I keep the incision moisturized.

4 months post-op
This is where I am currently. I feel powerful and so positive! I never take medicine, I sleep through the night, I have NO back pain (except if I do something weird, I get a SHARP pain, I fix myself, and it immediately goes away), I don't have sciatic pain. Sometimes I get a little tingling in my legs and it usually lets me know I need to get up and moving, stretch out, do the things I know I'm supposed to do. I have been cleared to get a little more serious at the gym but to do as much low impact as possible. I have been cleared to *think* about running again around the 6 month mark....very carefully. I have been told NEVER to train for a marathon.

The surgeon said that I have achieved the best possible recovery. Everything is perfect. Besides my little miss-hap with tearing so much abdominal tissue, the recovery has gone well. It is long and I know I'm not fully healed even now. Currently I notice the restricted mobility because of the fusion in only a few very specific instances. They are personal and I don't want to blog them but you can leave a comment and I will e-mail you with specifics.

Otherwise, I am truly amazed by this surgery and wish I had done it sooner! I'm not sure if I got lucky or if my surgeon was simply incredible but based on the the PREPONDERANCE of negative material currently found when googling ALIF, I know I'm blessed. From all I have read about personal accounts with ALIF, I think some people have it done when they don't really need it. This is a major surgery! Don't do it unless you are truly in need of it. This surgery has changed my life for the better. If this surgery will inhibit your current condition, I don't think you are a good candidate. A lot of people complain about the lack of mobility because of the fusion. In my case, I was so severely and pandemic-ally restricted before the surgery that now, 4 months post-op, I'm actually capable of doing more in so many ways.

Proof of Success
Moving day October 22 - about 2.5 months post-op. I was very careful and didn't lift anything heavy but was up all day, doing a let of squatting and certainly a lot of light lifting. End of the day the only pain in my entire body: my feet.

Thanksgiving day: started cooking at 5:30 am, up all day, at end of day, only pain: my feet.

Long bus rides for concert tours out of town: no pain.

Stepping off curbs accidentally and jarring my back: extreme sharp pain and then nothing - no 1day or whole week long episode.

Conclusion
I know I have to still be careful and I know I will never do a full bend again (yay for squats) but I'm so glad I had this done!

Thanksgiving 2011

2011-11-29T09:00:00.000-08:00

This was a great Thanksgiving!

Our first time hosting Thanksgiving in our new home and the first time we have hosted Thanksgiving since 2007. There were several things that made it a great success (as proven by the picture below):

Alton Brown turkey brine.
The best homemade stuffing I have ever eaten which I made in my dutch oven.
A new and exciting way to eat sweet potatoes that I would definitely make again.
The best pumpkin cheesecake I have ever eaten in my life - which is to say, it was light as air - provided by my stunning Sister-In-Law.
Glorious dinner rolls, also from my Sister-In-Law, from our new favorite cook book: Our Best Bites

My Brother-in-Law who doesn't mind sleeping on futons or sofas when he brings my Sisser to me for visits!

The presence of my Sisser, Shelley, who acted as my sous-chef in all things even if it was just to give me the confidence that, yes, I am folding in those whipped egg whites correctly. There is nothing more precious to me than time with my Sissers and I am truly thankful to have one so close to me! I love that Shells is always ready to jump in with an apron, or the willingness to discipline my kiddo, share home fixing tips, giggle over stupid stuff, and just be my bosom buddy. I'm blessed to have close bonds with my family!

My father, who LOVES to surprise me and even after telling me he wasn't going to come, showed up at exactly 1:30, ate, fell asleep, ate some more, and then left. Love you Poopsie!

Watching all the kiddos play with each other, even entertaining my adorable little nephew, HHC. I'm grateful for all my little nieces and nephews and any time I have with them. I'm grateful that Heavenly Father has blessed our extended family with fertility to enjoy all these little ones. I'm grateful that ALL my sisters allow me to alloparent their children with hugs, kisses, and even a few admonishments. I'm grateful for all the children in my life -regardless of who birthed them - it is an intense, complicated, and enriching experience to fall deeply in love with children you haven't birthed and I'm thankful my heart has been opened.

Not pictured here but something I have wanted to do and finally did, the Cloth of Thanks. That's when everyone writes what they are thankful for this year on a tablecloth and you can pull it out each year to add to it and remember what was on your heart the year before. So, hopefully that means we will host again next year!

Sadly, I did not get a single picture of our front room easily holding two tables, 9 adults, 5 children, and a whole lot of Thankfulness -- another reason to host T-day next year.

There is so much I have to be Thankful this year.

new home
wildly successful back surgery
cooking for 12 hours and not feeling any pain (except in my feet)
a wonderful husband
a sweet son
jobs that provide for our needs
exciting artisitc opportunities
good friends
abundance
Utah Wind Symphony

The list doesn't properly capture what I feel most profoundly about this year and where I am in my life right now. As I drive to drill, I always use that time to indulge in heartfelt personal prayer. I love doing it because it's a perfect length of time (even when we lived in Sugarhouse) from our home to the Armory to reflect and give thanks to Heavenly Father. What has touched my heart is how much my prayers have changed. No longer are my prayers filled with, "Please, please, please" but rather they are filled with, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I find more time to fill my prayers with requests for family members and friends as my prayers seem to require very little for us. Last night as I drove to drill I realized that we really needed nothing beyond my simple and constant requests to be a better wife and mother, to keep my husband's body strong to do his work, and to heal my son's brain so that he will grow and develop as he should...and then there was nothing else I could think of for my little family. My heart was filled with joy as I contemplated the incredible abundance of this past year and the millions of blessings (and even miracles) we have been given.

This year, I am thankful to need nothing. I'm thankful that I can focus my prayers on all the people I love - family, friends - and simply enjoy good health and a feeling of security with our lives. I want to remember this Thanksgiving as one that stands out because of the tranquility that surrounded it. I'm certain The Lord has many challenges and trials for us to navigate in our future and I am grateful that I can capture and record this moment of peace and calm.

Veteran's Day 11/11/11

2011-11-11T03:21:00.000-08:00

Happy Veteran's Day from Mr. and Mrs. K. Morgan Crawford! Thank you for serving your country!

The First Night

2011-10-24T21:03:00.000-07:00

The First Night...

...it was so incredibly quiet!

I thought back to every place I have ever lived.

My parents' home - dorm - apartment - dorm - my parents' home - apartment - barracks - dorm - barracks - apartment - barracks - apartment - my parents' home - my in-laws' home - apartment - apartment - apartment - OUR 1ST HOME!

For the first time in my adult life, I was not subjected to the sounds of other humans, other couples or families, coming through my floor, my ceiling, my walls.

It was almost unbelievable how quiet it was.

Last night I fell asleep at 9 pm and I woke up at 9 am this morning.

This is why people purchase houses.

More pictures to come as we settle in to our spaces.

*We have lived in Utah for four years and yesterday was the first day I was ever welcomed into a new neighborhood with a plate of cookies. Yesterday was the first time my son has ever been invited to play at another boy's house.*

Patience is NOT my virtue

2011-10-17T20:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Incision Scar Weirdness,

Please heal faster so I can do more stuff like this. You are putting my life on hold for the 4th month (6th year - whatev') and this is making me more impatient. I know that Heavenly Father intends to teach me patience. I was down with that for 2 months (31 years - whatev') but I'm done now. I'm ready for a new lesson...like a lesson in home decorating. Oh, oh, I know! Let's do another lesson in supporting my son's education. He's about to be mainstreamed on Monday. I know I can loose myself in that. Of course it would be easier to help him if I could bend, lift, and twist a little more.

I do owe you a bit of thanks, dear scar, because my back is feeling very good. And my legs? fa-ge-da-bow-dit! No problems there! I suppose I also owe you an apology. I perhaps got a bit anxious and started playing too early. But you don't have a hernia, as it turns out, and we are grateful for that. I'm still having a hard time trying to figure out if I can test you for 2 hours on Wednesday night. We'll see. Whatever happens, just know, I believe in your ability to heal quickly. I KNOW you can do it! We keep praying for it and we've been attracting some good karma. Remember that lady we gave a jump to in the Target parking lot last week?

Okay, well, just wanted to touch base and remind you that I don't like turning down gigs and I would like to get back to my Guard Band. Soooooo, okay, good talk. We'll followup later...soon.

Hugs,
E

I guess I'm the 1%

2011-10-17T19:14:00.000-07:00

Have you checked out the un/official occupywallstreet.org website?

"OccupyWallSt.org is the unofficial de facto online resource..."
Have you seen the "forum" of their "proposed" demands?

Have you wondered how/why/if a group like this, with a list of demands like these, could be successful as an organized and legitimate movement in this country?

While I have great respect for the passion of these protestors, I find it hard to take seriously a group of people who seem to be protesting against a segment (better said: demographic?) of our population that sustains the increasingly folkloric idea of the American Dream or Way of Life.

What is the American Dream?

Have you ever googled the phrase "American Dream"?

I will define it myself. My definition is founded in the values, culture and experiences I was reared with and found to be true in my own life.

My American Dream:

To work hard, in a chosen vocation, to achieve personal and professional goals free from censure by governing bodies, while respecting peaceful humanity and laws of order.

To rely on efficient local, state, and federal governance that provide safety and create infrastructure with a conservative and practical use of my freely given and reasonably assessed tax dollars.

To have faith that elected officials will have vested interest in local concerns, who will choose to serve for a period of time and represent those concerns, and then return to their families and careers having served as a true "civil servant."

To be held responsible for any debts I incur and any choices I make negatively affecting others.

I'm sure there is more, but I will leave it there.

***********************************************

From what I have read, OWS seems to believe that 1% of our country is preventing 99% from achieving their dream. Many OWS protesters seem to believe that they should be able to pursue advanced education for free, have all debts forgiven, have the record of their financial history (credit score) eliminated, and require the success of others (read: their personal wealth) distributed, through force, to those who have not achieved great financial wealth.

I must be the 1% because we have the following:

An advanced education/training that we have willingly paid/continue to pay for.

A credit score that was horrible (521 in 2007) but is now very high, and therefore does not bother me.

A home that we can afford.

Professional lives that are fulfilling and provide us with a comfortable life.

Major medical/dental/vision provided through multiple employers - which all require monthly premiums and co-pays and in return we expect reasonable coverage.

Fortunately none of these were provided "for free" by the Federal Government.

Some may say, "Elizabeth, your major medical is provided through the National Guard!" Yes, that is right, but I pay monthly premiums and I have to work in exchange for that benefit.

Some may say, "Elizabeth, you had scholarships to pay for school!" Yes, that is right, for a fraction of my tuition and expenses, I did have scholarships, grants, and Army tuition programs...as well as loans...but NONE of it was free simply because I existed. All required me to show accomplishment, work, or pay interest. My feeling is that the harder you have to work for it, the more it costs you (time, money, energy) the more you value it.

Some may say, "Elizabeth, you enjoy luxuries because you make lots of money." I would say, you clearly don't know who we are or what we do for a living: free-lance musician and mechanic. We don't make a lot of money, we DO manage our money. We have also learned to define comfort, luxury, and peace in a much more conservative way then many Americans would. I'm sure people would look at our worldly possessions and label us "poor" - but I could not disagree more!

Some may say, "Elizabeth, you probably never had a lot of debt or where never unemployed!" To which I LAUGH OUT LOAD and snort heartily.

My point...

...we need to dig in deep as American Citizens! If there is anything I teach my son, please let it be personal responsibility - for his actions, his finances, his professional, personal, and spiritual life.

If you can't find a job - perhaps it's time to go back to school, move to another city, change fields.
If you can't afford your home - it's time to downsize.
If you can't afford your education - it's time to find a cheaper school, wait another year, work harder to distinguish yourself, join employers that offer tuition benefits, learn to work and go to school at the same time.
If you have debts - pay them!
If you don't like your credit score - then raise it.
If you don't like paying taxes - then never use the interstate highway system, public schools, national parks, or expect the U.S. Military to watch your back.
IF YOU HATE THE UNITED STATES - THEN LEAVE! We all watched Michael Moore's movie, "Sicko" and we all learned that Cuba and France have lovely socialized medicine. If that is important to you, and the U.S.'s health system is a deal breaker, then it's time to seriously consider finding a new country of origin. Does healthcare in this country need reform? Absolutely! But should it be free? Not in my opinion!

Yes, there are many aspects of this country that need reform. The government should be the first place we demand efficiency! But don't go after the consumers, the taxpayers, the "1%" who hold jobs, purchase items from Wal*Mart, take out students loans and pay them off, build business (yes, even humongous ones that make BILLIONS of dollars), qualify for home loans they can afford, and choose to be a part of a representative REPUBLIC, not a democracy, which embraces democratic practices.

Can we please all do our best to understand what kind of country we live in?
Can we please all learn to define: democracy, socialism, republic?

I'm genuinely confused by OWS. Don't even get me started on Occupy Salt Lake which has, rather appropriately, taken over Pioneer Park (where SLC's homeless already inhabit), have failed to make any clear demands, and besides creating a tiny tent city, have otherwise been completely ignored by Utah's extensive population of conservative, hard-working, entrepreneurs, small business owners, and blue-collar workers.

I'm genuinely confused by OWS because they seem to want a lot for nothing!

Let's stick to the real issues, which in my opinion are:

setting term limits for ALL elected officials
overhauling our tax system, increase the tax base by requiring every American citizen to buy in with their tax dollars
moderating healthcare costs (tort reform)
improving public education K-12 with practical, local, relevant initiatives
creating jobs in manufacturing WITHIN the United States
harnessing natural resources WITHIN the Unites States (yes, drill for oil, mine for coal, erect solar fields in the desert, harness the wind - and do it all WITHIN our borders)
demand able bodied adults to work - put enforceable limits on social welfare programs
promote small businesses by removing the choke-hold of legislation they have to navigate

...and so many other things!

In the end, stop whining America, get to work, pull up your boot straps and create something! Stop asking for freebies and go out an earn your American Dream.

Stepping down from soap box.

Annual Fall Colors Drive

2011-10-02T15:12:00.000-07:00

There was a time when I thought I would never again, enjoy the extraordinary colors of fall I grew up with in Western New York.

This year, Utah made me a believer. We were most impressed with the incredible shades of orange we discovered on our drive this year. It's amazing to me that after four years, we are still discovering incredible adventures along the Wasatch Front - and we haven't even touched Southern Utah!

We went up Logan Canyon Scenic By-Way to Bear Lake, continued down through Woodruff, coming out by way of Ogden Canyon. It was an incredible drive (aided by General Conference on the radio) and definitely the most vibrant colors we have seen since moving to Utah. My pictures didn't catch the dark reds and purple and not nearly enough of the oranges. Still, a wonderful day!

Where I Turn for Peace

2011-09-29T10:01:00.000-07:00

Clearly I am overdue for a blog post. August slipped away from me and while I thought about many things I wanted to write down, various challenges prevented my brain and body from coming together to post.

August 2, 2011
I had my 4th back surgery. That still seems insane to me. And even though I see the 7 inch incision every day and Thank God that I had it done, it's still surreal. Here's why:

1 week before surgery TRICARE decided it was not medically necessary for me to have fusion surgery. Keeping in mind, at that point, getting out of bed to use the bathroom put me into tears, handing my husband a bagel one morning sent me into a back spasm that was later followed by flushing the toilet which finally turned me into a paraplegic for the final 4 days before surgery.

In 7 days we went through 3 appeals and the night before surgery it all looked for naught. The day I was scheduled for surgery we started calling a TRICARE contractor on the east coast (5am our time). Through several phone calls we finally got the approved appeal, sitting on a desk in Pennsylvania, to the Pheonix, Arizona TRICARE office. Sadly it arrived on a fax machine belonging to a women who was on vacation for a week. Not to be stopped there, I, through nothing short of a miracle, found another woman in her department who very kindly walked into her co-workers office, retrieved the fax, changed the claim status in the computer and through the magic that is "claim approved" was able to send an affirmative claim to my surgeon.

Let's back up again. My surgeon knew I was having problems getting insurance approval and decided he would schedule me late in the day to give us the most amount of time to seek approval. Then I got a call from the surgical clinic, the night before surgery, telling me I was scheduled for 6 am surgery. My heart sank. When it was clear that there was no way for me to have the surgery, I called the clinic back to cancel the surgery. This lovely older woman answered the phone - the kind of woman you can tell has worked there for 35 years, could be retired, but just loves her job...and knows everyone - I explained what happened and she said, "Well you just give me a few minutes, dear, I'm going to call Dr. Huntsman at home and see what we can do." She called me back an hour later and told me I had until 1 pm to get the approval and she felt confident he would run late. *A glimmer of hope*

Once the claim went from denied to approved things moved fast. The Angel at TRICARE who retrieved the fax from the contractor updated the status at 9:30 am. At 9:48 am I got a call from the surgical clinic informing me that they saw my updated claim status and "would you please come in now for surgery."

After more than a week [well, two months...actually more like 5 years] of extraordinary pain and incredible frustration and disappointment, it hit me: I'm having my spine fused L-4/L-5/S-1. Less than 2 hours later I was slipping away into that magical fuzzy land where, one minute, you are awake and in pain and the next minute your hear, "Breathe out hard." And there goes the chest tube!

These were some of the scriptures that kept me going those final days when, quite honestly, I just didn't want to exist except I KNEW God had SOMETHING in store. Thanks to facebook for letting me document them:

"Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." I want to thank everyone who said a prayer on my behalf. We started making calls at 5 am. We walked the appeal and authorization through. I am going into surgery at noon. This scripture came to mind right after I saw the authorizations clear on the Tricare site. I believe in modern day miracles, do you?

"For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.
Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need."

· August 1 at 8:28am

- Elizabeth Ball Crawford Thanks Sean-David McGoran for sending me in the direction of Hebrews. Enjoyed exploring this morning. You are a blessing through friendship. My husband is heading to the VA this morning to see if they will pay for this surgery, pray for us please.
  August 1 at 8:29am ·
- Sean-David McGoran Will do friend. It is a blessing to me to know that you are enjoying God's word in Hebrews, wonderful truths in that text.
  August 1 at 8:42am · · 1 person
- Lori Dobson Clark Ether 12 give it a read, you won't be sorry. It has gotten me through a lot in my life. I hope this all works out for you.
  August 1 at 9:36am · · 1 person
- Elizabeth Ball Crawford Thanks Lori: And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.
  August 1 at 10:04am ·
- Elizabeth Ball Crawford Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.
  In the midst of much drama my incredible sister, Shelley Ball Andrus, called me and said, "Just send Morgan up here, what's one more!" I'm not sure why we hesitated because the kid had a blast and it was the best place for him to be. Plus we had a nice time taking him up to Boise before I had surgery, though drugged, still the best thing ever to see my SISSER!
  
  It's not all sad! We managed to have a little fun a few weeks before everything went to total crap, as long as I was A WHOLE LOTTA DRUGGED, like when my husband convinced me to get out of bed and go to the range so he could break in his new handgun. Supremely bad and slightly dangerous idea. My mammalian protuberances are still scarred from that adventure. NEVER wear a v-neck shirt to a shooting range, especially when you are well endowed.
  Don't worry, all you are seeing is the same cleavage I show off on a regular basis.
  
  And there are many more marks from where it got caught between my girls and I couldn't get it out fast enough. Plus, it happened twice!
  
  Yes, this post will continue, come back later if you are getting bored.
  
  Because Heavenly Father's mercy and blessings seem not to be predicated on my *perfection* the blessings continued through recovery. My mom came for a week followed by the Crawford family for two weeks. All I had to do was take walks and lay around. My every need was seen to including a shared birthday party with my favorite Korean family!
  
  The above: a TRUE meeting of the minds!
  
  I went from this:
  
  to this:
  
  very quickly!
  
  And thanks to my dear friend, Lori Shepherd, I was busy with a lot of good books to read!
  
  Then the 5th week hit and suddenly I felt amazing, had finally made it through the haze of drug withdrawal and ready to do this:
  
  The best part was getting back on the bassoon, getting booked to sub with Utah Symphony, putting together Trio de Bois and rehearsing for our premier concert on October 9 in the North Salt Lake Town Hall - 6 pm, in case you want to be there.
  
  What is clear to me after this long and physically painful summer is simply a confirmation of what I have known to be true for many years:
  - the power of pray is real, Heavenly Father hears and answers our prayers, and always in His time
  - family will always be there to take care of you and a good husband is NOT afraid to assist in toileting
  - good friends give you books to read when you can't play together, and when you can play together, they are ready for anything
  - there is a reason and purpose to everything, nothing is random, and truly all things come together for good
  - the power of the atonement and God's grace is sufficient to cover all our needs, better than we can ever do on our own
  - I'm not like other Mormons [oh Mormon culture, why do you plague me] but "It's all good!" and I can still pray for and be blessed with miracles
  FINAL THOUGHT: after much frustration with TRICARE, they came through with a *BANG*. My surgery billed to TRICARE was $98,000. We paid...$33.27...so TRICARE and me, we are good friends again.

Romans 8

2011-07-31T17:47:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of goodies in here but I'm going to point out just one,

"What shall we then say to these things? If God be then for us, who can be against us?"

I have faith that the Lord's greatest plan for me doesn't include laying in bed...forever. I also have faith that if TRICARE doesn't approve the surgery tomorrow, it will eventually approve the surgery. While that will make things very inconvenient for me, it will eventually happen. Because I am having an anterior lumbar fusion (that means they are going in from the front) my surgeon has to coordinate with a vascular surgeon which makes scheduling tricky. Thus, the options for surgery were August 2 or some other date much further into the future. However, it will happen.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose."

Tomorrow we are going to explore a new, and slightly desperate tactic, and attempt to have the VA do an emergency funding for the surgery. It's a wild long shot, but who knows. They might do it and save us all the little co-pays we were going to have.

What has been faith building over the past 8 weeks have been the episodes landing me in bed for days at a time, where I accomplish nothing more than surfing facebook and watching hours of teen angst TV shows.

What all this time does afford me is the opportunity to find moments of quiet to pray, to think, to read, and to reflect.

Whatever happens in the next 48 hours I can be sure, it is Heavenly Father's plan. I can also be sure that my surgery will eventually happen. As much pain as I am in, there are others in much greater pain, who have no hope for escape. I am fortunate enough to have the resources to seek out excellent medical care and loving family and friends to support me. I also have my faith which is a great comfort even as much as I need constant reminding.

Counting Blessings

2011-07-23T14:33:00.000-07:00

I've been counting blessings a lot lately which is evident from my facebook stati(us)es:

Saturday 3:15 pm

Clearly it is time for another installment of Count Your Many Blessings (teeth grinding edition) 1 - my husband 2 - my extended family 3 - our cozy home 4 - the power or prayer (please) 5 - faith building experiences 6 - over-all general well-being 7 - I haven't been harassed by telemarketers in years, since becoming an exclusively all cell phone family and I really am grateful for that...that's all I got right now

Thursday 3:59 pm

In 12 days I will have my 4th back surgery. I have to admit it is challenging to remain positive. So, it's time to count my blessings. 1 - Sisser Shelley Ball Andrus for taking my son for 3 weeks = WOW!. 2 - husband K Morgan Crawford for general awesomeness. 3 - TRICARE for paying for everything. 4 - The U. S Army for not kicking me out...yet. 5. The VA for filling in the gaps. 6. GOD because he ROCKS!

Love, True Love

2011-07-14T00:11:00.000-07:00

The only thing that trumps the insidious, mind-bending horror of a chronic pain injury is the true love of family and friends. Especially when it is so strong that the line between friends and family blurs and then disappears. Moms become universal moms, girlfriends become sisters, hugs become healing agents, tears become moments of bonding, and touch becomes transcendent. Kara's wedding was no less special than both of mine and perhaps was even more life changing. Going "home" to NY, getting stuck in Albany but being able to commune with the resting place of Grandma Freda, taking a day to rest in Atlanta, GA with Jolene. It was all so much, perhaps some would look from the outside and say it was too much. But I'm so grateful for it all, if for no other reason than to be reminded of the great capacity we all have to love and care for each other in moments of happiness and pain and especially when those moments unexpectedly collide. I am blessed, quite simply, with a great abundance of wonderful people.

Fusion surgery at 2 levels on August 2. Accepting prayers in all forms.

Irritation Nation

2011-06-26T21:37:00.000-07:00

I think I have titled several posts with the same title and that's because one of my many failings is that I am easily irritated. Tonight I have sciatic pain which means I am even more easily irritated than normal. But let me start on a positive thought: my husband is STILL the least irritating person I know.

Let's begin...

Social welfare programs and Mormon culture. I get it, within the Mormon culture, even though there is no direct counsel that states Mormons should get married and knocked up before finishing their formal educations, have long term financial planning, a job with benefits and a safe place to live; the fact is that many Mormons do exactly that. Personally I think we should encourage more sexual independence in our culture and put a lot less emphasis on hasty marriages. Clearly, that is why I will never be in charge of the LDS church.

While faithful church members learn and grow through the trials of raising young families while pursuing their education, starting careers, and growing up themselves, many turn to the myriad of social welfare programs provided by our increasingly "socially minded" government. So be it! I have collected (and enjoyed) unemployment myself and still collect (and am truly grateful) for my VA compensation. What I take issue with is Mormons getting married, getting pregnant, not having the means to support their own marriages let along bringing children into the world, taking advantage of social welfare programs AND THEN COMPLAINING ABOUT IT TO EVERYONE!

For one thing, I'm not sure sharing with "the world" that you are using a social welfare program on social networking sites is a good idea. It just strikes me as tacky. Not that you should be ashamed but rather is just seems like something to be discreet about. I also think it's incredibly bad form when you "choose" to get married quite young, and you "choose" to get pregnant, or maybe you don't and you are just so "shocked" and "surprised" that your recreational activities resulted in a baby (!). Whatever the reason, suddenly you find it hard to fund your scrapbooking activities, D.I. allowance, and grocery bill. So you turn to Uncle Sam to help you out. But then you COMPLAIN about it? Really?

Haven't you ever heard that old saying, "Don't bite the hand that feeds you." It seems like incredibly bad karma. And yes, I DO believe in karma. Actually, I don't really know what karma is but my version goes like this: you put bad stuff out in the world, you will get bad stuff back.

If you talk trash about the social welfare program you are on, it will come back to you. Furthermore, if you are unhappy with your social welfare, here's an idea, stop using it! Here's another idea, maybe the first baby was a big "Whoopsie, I guess sex does make a baby!" but now that you have had that "horrible" experience of having a baby with the help of Uncle Sam, perhaps you will get serious about waiting to have a second until you don't need Uncle Sam to help you.

Have I offended you?

I'm sorry...but not really! Utah, as much as I love living in SLC, is a seriously bizarre place! In a culture that prides itself on self-sufficiency there is an incredible amount of able bodied adults, with education, talent, and resourcefulness, looking for a handout and then b****ing about on facebook, at church, during social events, etc. Shame on you! Be grateful that there is a program that can make up for you inadequacies and if that program requires you to do some things you don't like, suck it up! NOTHING in life is free and there are consequences for everything we do and this is never more true than dealing with Uncle Sam's programs.

My wish for Mormons:

Just wait...a little longer. Use an EFFECTIVE form of family planning. HAVE a plan. Sure, these trials will make you stronger but guess what? There will always be trails. You aren't going to miss out on trials because you waited until your husband had a career and you had an education and some life experience. Stop harassing women (and couples) who do enjoy several years of marriage free from children. Stop harassing women (and couples) that choose to have a small family. In fact, STOP HARASSING all together. Keep your business to yourself and keep your nose out of others business. Don't broadcast your drama and don't expect others to. Be discreet, be lady, be a grown-up. Don't abuse social welfare programs and don't abuse the people who are tasked with trying to aid you while you are using the program. Finally, don't be a hypocrite. If you are filling your pocket (and refrigerator, and housing) with Uncle Sam's help, then make sacrifices so you can get off the program and be responsible for the choices and children you have brought into this world.

*DISCLAIMER: everyone has unique situations and some people really need help and some people really don't have the resources to care for their family....blah, blah, blah, I KNOW.

Dearest Boy,

2011-06-11T01:02:00.000-07:00

Dearest Morgan,

I need to write to you tonight before you get any taller, your nails grow any longer, quickly, before your hair gets shaggy and sticks up in the back and another tooth falls out begging recognition from our strange version of the tooth fairy.

Sweet son, have I told you enough how much I love you? Have I held you enough and hugged you back? Certainly not because it's never enough and there is no risk of too much with you.

This has been a hard year for school and life. I've been distracted by my mind, my body, my "career", my education. I haven't been there for you in the the manner you have grown accustomed to - and I'm sorry for missing the details that could have been fixed. I'm always telling you to pay attention to details even while I have avoided them.

Please know that you are a wonderful child! You are happy, sweet, adventurous, affectionate, and so forgiving. You had a teacher this year that couldn't find a single positive attribute about you and these last few months I let those home-notes dictate the mood and dynamic of our home.

Thank God it's over! These last few days with you, soaking in the indulgence of summer vacation, I feel the peace restored in our home. Without the negative influence of that teacher. There have been no tears, no punishments, no fights - because you have not acted in any way requiring such unhappy rites of growing up. You have been my adventurer, my busy little boy, my ready companion, my number cruncher, my thoughtful little man.

I'm sorry I allowed anyone to come into your world with such disregard for your person - for your magic.

Because you are my *magical* Morgan.

The best I can do for you is to always be sure that your particular brand of *magic* is nurtured.

Everyone sees it! There will be people in the future who won't see it, who won't feel it, and they will say awful things and you will have to work hard to *believe in your own magic* despite them.

I believe in you.

I know you trust me in preparing you to be the best *magical* version of yourself.

This trial, this teacher, is over and we are smarter for it, aren't we? Your smile assures me. When you grab my hand or hug my neck, I know you are filled with electrical joy and boundless possibility. You are above, soaring full into your wonderful life. That's where you should be!

I will do better for you, I will be a better steward of your *magic* and keep out anyone who would try to extinguish it...until the day you can do it on your own...and even then...I will still do my part.

Sweet dreams my sweet boy!

It's just the right thing to do...

2011-06-08T21:09:00.000-07:00

Counting your blessing is just the right thing to do. Especially when you aren't feeling awesome about anything. So let's count:

1. Finishing my degree with a 3.932.

2. Getting the actual conferral of degree...in an e-mail, which I think is a little tacky but also recognize the U's forward thinking technology use.

3. Receiving the fancy certificate in the mail, which is still in a cardboard envelope sitting on top of my file cabinet.

4. Playing 4th bassoon and 2nd contra on Stravinsky's "The Rite of Spring." I can't say that I "survived" my first experience with "Le Sacre..." but at least it's now out of the way.

5. Helping to put on the Season Finale Concert for Utah Wind Symphony, with composer David Maslanka in residence, and enjoying the great success that it was.

6. Cleaning up the post-concert reception, high on drugs which relieved the great pain I had been experiencing, but then blubbering in front of the composer and telling our Music Director that I loved him, also while crying. (In case you are unclear, the blessing in there was medications that give pain relief.)

7. Following up the smashing concert success with a very late and very long - but also VERY FREE - trip to the ER where I was given a nice narcotic shot in the rear and prescribed steroids to control the massive inflammation.

8. Being seen by my surgeon the SAME DAY I CALLED!

9. The END of my son's horrible school year with his woefully antagonized teacher who is convinced he is the most "bizarre" child she has ever encountered in her "entire" career. Yeah, we will NOT be missing her hateful homenotes and can only THANK GOD that I have the next 3 months to rebuild his self-esteem with Cub Scouts and swimming lessons.

10. Our wonderful little home, cars that work and are paid for in full (that just never gets old, never), my husband's wonderful job, and finally, even though I seriously thought about walking away from it over the past few months, the 23rd Army Band, which, as it has been for almost 11 years, represents the incredible security afforded by life as an Army musician whether full time or part time.

And so there they are, blessings for which I am truly thankful. I don't feel awesome right now but I know I will get better and in the meantime, I can focus on all the contentment I have in my many blessings.

Utah Wind Symphony

2011-05-24T07:38:00.001-07:00

Two and a Half Thumbs

2011-05-10T19:38:00.000-07:00

Funny things The Boy has been saying lately:

Today when he got home from school, he handed me his home note and declared, "My homenote is two-and-half thumbs up, I think!"

When he is amazed, "You've got to be serious!"

When he is doubtful, "You're not kidding!"

Needed to summer-ize the blog. In its previous state it was adding to my seasonally affected depression.

Celebrated graduating from my masters degree by going to Jacksonville, FL and not winning another audition.

Then I traveled down to southern Florida to hang out with my bosom buddy, the great and truly lovely Noemi Rivera.

It's hard to express how amazing it was to spend several days with such a dear friend and her wonderful family. I am blessed with incredible friends: friends who inspire me, challenge me to greater things, bless my life with their love and support, and share all the great adventures that God gives each of us. It was with great joy that Noemi and I had this time to reconnect, reflect, and renew our hearts, minds, and spirits. This is the stuff great friendships are made of and I thank God for this spectacular woman!

I returned home just in time to be celebrated by My Boys for Mother's Day. I have such an awesome husband, it's hard for him to amp up for holidays when his daily standard for husbanding is so incredibly high. Sunday ended up being rainy and dreary but it was really quite perfect. We enjoyed a quiet day at home, Daddy-O grilled up some perfect steaks and we enjoyed a lazy day with good eats. What else could a Mom want?

Now I began a new phase: I am not a student, I am not working full time, I am not a stay-at-home mom to a toddler. This is the first time in my life I have had the extraordinary luxury of having entire days stretching in front of me with nothing more pressing than practice time. I have a wonderful husband to thank for that! I'm excited to dig into the next few auditions, free from distraction, and continue my work with Utah Wind Symphony as well as other projects cooking up in my brain. Oh, and there is still the National Guard Band...so really not that un-busy!

Sunday morning for SINNERS

2011-03-27T09:14:00.000-07:00

Did you fart? (My mother will hate that I used that word in my blog, sorry Lola!)

I'm sure you didn't *wink*wink* that's just how I look when I am internet surfing. I sniff and surf. It's a compulsion and I know it looks weird but at least I'm not sucking my thumb.

Sunday Morning for SINNERS:

Just in case you don't know how to skip church like a proper audition-bound musician I am going to take a few minutes this morning to reveal how slovenly I am before I go lay down a mock audition for my recorder...I may or may not brush my teeth or put on a bra for this homemade audition.

First, sleep in late. What I mean by that is, wake up and fall back to sleep no less than 10 times - until your bladder kicks you in the kidneys so hard it propels you to the bathroom against your will. Then you have slept in...and might also be aging. Do you remember when you could sleep until 2 pm in college? Where is that bladder control now?

Next, watch politically charged Sunday talk shows airing from Washington D.C. in you undies. It's easier to judge politicians when you aren't clothed.

Endure local news Sunday talk show for half hour while waiting for Music & the Spoken Word broadcast.

Explain to your husband that watching the broadcast counts as logging in church time for this Sabbath day ("...remember it, to keep it Holy." = check)

Practice feverishly while your men-folk go diligently to church and be sure to have lunch ready and a cute apron on when they get home so your Priesthood holder feels less guilty about letting you skip (to practice) for the # week in a row. (Please God, over look my absence and still bless me to win an audition in the next 12-18 months because I know You love Your lazy children as much as the observant ones.)

Finally, take few minutes in your slovenly Sabbath observance to add insult to injury (and inactivity) to criticize a few church cultural practices that make you crazy, and because you read JBA's blog which got you thinking about it and now you have to rant (while already skating on spiritual thin ice = brave? foolish? tempting God = not good!)

Home Teaching and Visiting Teaching

Let's be honest, who is doing it? Besides all the retirees who visit each other after their morning naps, they all seemed to be assigned to each other and bear witness to it on Fast Sundays. No one has visited me (though my sister-in-law told me that I should be asking them to visit instead of waiting for them to ask me...why does it start to feel like a high school "show"-mance?) in a loooooong time. My visiting teacher is the RS President. She doesn't read my blog and yes, I did just out her to those who do read my blog. Home teachers: we have had them into our home maybe 4 times and never the same ones more than once. I would say each time we are assigned new ones, they show up to introduce themselves and then never again.

I myself am not a Visiting Teacher which frees me from the burden of guilt or responsibility (slummin' with the lazy sister saints) but my husband does his home teaching rather regularly. I would say, at least, every other month (his companion is super motivated and a good guy.)

We are suppose to feel comfortable to "call" on these people when we are "in need." Of course I can barely call on my family when in need, why on earth would I call on perfect strangers?

I have been on this anti-HT/VT tirade and "church culture is a joke" rant since we moved to SLC about 2 years ago.

Part of me winning a job is the great hope and faith that in doing so, we will move away from here, be surrounded by normal Mormons again (normal people) and renew my faith in the Faith.

Spring break (for me)

2011-03-22T07:15:00.000-07:00

It's spring break for me this week
(which means getting a lot of work done while the house is empty all day.)

Found these scary creatures in the back yard this week...

thank heavens we have our own in-home snake wrangler.

That's the face of a man unphased by his work.

No snappy title for this one.

2011-03-15T07:54:00.000-07:00

This is from our trip to the Utah Museum of Fine Art on campus at the University of Utah. I can't believe this was our first trip but I can believe we will be back. Especially because admission is free for families every Saturday this month. We went with my favorite Koreans - the Sons - technically they are mostly half-breeds. But I'm partial to the half-breeds. Between our 3 children we had representation from Japan, the Philippines, and Korea. That's what I call equal opportunity mothering right there!

Otherwise, things keep moving along a little quicker and a little slower than I would like. Next week I have spring break - Eureka! I am less than 2 months from finishing this degree - then *POOF* - my life will change. Oh wait! It's a degree in music. *Poof* back to "free-lancing" also called "fairly unemployed." Don't be fooled by my abundant W-2 forms. I'm one slippery step away from Utah "entrepreneurial-ism," we all know what that is code-word for.

Enough with the stars and quotes.

Japan almost scared me enough to go buy bulk and repent. Then all my friends in Japan told me the media hype is inaccurate. So I'm backing to slummin' it up with my sinin' ways.

The Boy continues to to be a boy. What to say? It takes him 23 minutes to eat a bowl of cereal. He still makes noises when he runs...but his reading has gone from abysmal to truly inspiring. To think that we started this school year trying to imagine what it would be like to raise a functional illiterate! Something clicked and it is nothing short of a modern day miracle.

We see a lot of those around here and it is NEVER lost on me.

Out like a Lion

2011-03-08T07:42:00.000-08:00

Had a long, but great, day at school yesterday. Alan Kay (master clarinetist, faculty member at Juilliard and MSM) was in town giving masterclasses and a recital and I was fortunate to attend all of it. Sadly, it was a rainy week-end as well as all day yesterday. I got come just in time to take a 20 min. power nap before heading off to National Guard Drill. In the time it took Daddy-O to warm a cup of soup for me while enjoying some brief power Zzzzz's, the ground was covered in snow.

As I headed west (and down) the snow tapered to a dreary drizzle and I didn't think much of it for a few hours.

I looked out the window at 9:30 pm and saw that the armory was covered and rumors told of treachorous road conditions. But the Show Band rehearsal must go on! I got on the road just after 10:00 pm, got home just before 11:00 pm. a drive that normally takes between 20-35 minutes depending on traffic conditions.

These pics are of what we found this morning when we went out to the bus. God bless the east bench!

chuggin along

2011-02-26T21:09:00.000-08:00

Audition Trips:

That's me in Chicago prior to my audition with Chicago Civic Orchestra. At that point I had flown across the country, driven hundreds of miles to Cincinnati and back, slept poorly in hotel rooms, eaten out a lot, somehow contracted a mysterious eye infection that made all the skin on both of my eye lids peel off while being freakishly inflamed and swollen, and navigated through 10 stories of 2 parking garages trying to find a parking space that would cost me $30.

These auditions were #7 & #8 in the world of professional auditions. I wish I could say that it was a "great experience" and that I "learned a lot" or even that I had "won" something. Sadly, I really can't say any of those things. Though my husband keeps reminding me that I haven't heard the final results from Chicago Civic and so on the distant horizon there a small chance in hell I may have secured a "spot" which pays a small stipend.

...awesome...

It's important to try and stay positive though!

Lola the Wundermama came along for all of my (mis)adventures and BOY am I glad she was there with me each night in the hotel room. Because my friend, Mediocrity, is a ***** and I hate being alone with her on audition trips.

On the other hand, my mother, the Wundermama is THE BEST travel companion! She likes to listen to music, she will talk about anything, she's up for just about any late night adventure into the slums of midsize midwestern cities, and she likes to eat almost as much as I do. She will also willingly listen to me pick out bocals and doesn't mind pre-audtion jitters, last minute practice sessions, and has been known to wait patiently while I throw up in parking garages. (That didn't happen this trip but I had a habit of leaving my DNA in the parking garage as a fledgling bassoonist in the Eastman School of Music prep division.)

Lola and I explored Skyline Chili in Cincinnati and deep-dish pizza in Chicago...and a lot of other things too. Like any Great Mom, she assured me that she would hire me for the job - sigh - and even listened to my recital recording, concerto finals round, and the concerto performance. We had a looooong ride in the car. Dropping Wundermama off at Union Station was a sad moment.

I could not have survived those 6 days with her (and the GPS) and am so grateful that she was able to join me.

Alas, my sad tale is not over.

The next morning I was up and out by 6:30 am to brave Chicago traffic to get to the airport. I dropped off my rental car, hopped into the Enterprise shuttle and was dropped at the airport. Unfortunately, I could not find Southwest upon my arrival at the terminal. In my confusion I asked a "friendly" airport employee where I could find the Southwest check-in. She *snorted* and said, "Midway."

Midway?

I'm sorry, but where am I? Oh yes, I'm at O'Hare. That would be the WRONG airport.

I'm certain that when I landed, I was absolutely under the impression that I had landed in O'Hare.

Enter $73 cab ride and as it turns out a $40 transfer fee because I turned the rental car in at the wrong airport. Don't get me started! I know, I KNOW I should have registered the obvious differences.

By some great intervention from a loving and merciful God who saw fit for me to get home to my sweet husband, I made my flight on time. *Miracle*

I have NEVER been so happy to fly in to Salt Lake Valley.

Coming home rather un-victorious is beyond anti-climatic. Coming home to 2 months left of graduate school, a recital I have no plan for, and gray cold days...sobering.

BUT (said with finger pointed) I have a fabulous husband and a sweet though slightly stinky 8-year-old who we recently discovered has NASTY personal hygiene habits that make me shake with disgust despite three days of PERFECT home notes. Surprisingly, neither of them love me less.

phew *wipes brow*

Soooo, just chugging along. More auditions are coming up and even better, the masters degree will end and I will have ABUNDANT practice time.

At least he's honest.

2011-02-10T05:09:00.000-08:00

Two nights ago we had tacos for dinner. I had placed the bag of cheese on the table so everyone could construct their own tacos. LM picked up the bag and just before taking a handful he asked, "Should I just put my hand in the bag?"

I responded, "Well, that depends. Has that hand been picking your nose or touching your pee-pee?"

He stopped, looked thoughtful, then said," I think I should go wash my hands."

Eight-year-old boys are definitely gross but at least ours is honest.

The Concerto Performance

2011-02-05T21:08:00.000-08:00

It was really wonderful! It was a performance in which there wasn't a moment when I wished that something had gone better, or regretted a mistake. It all went really well.

Of course every thing seems to go well when you take beta blockers. The recording doesn't lie and I'm still waiting to hear it.

I was a little unsure of my dress. I wondered if it was too mother-of-the-bride. But I like how it looked and I'm very proud of myself for not wearing black. As it turns out, they weren't able to find another bassoonist to play in the orchestra so I ended up being the first concerto winner and then playing the rest of the concert in my pretty blue dress.

My wonderfully devoted sister, Shelley, and her husband came all the way from Boise to hear my 8 minutes of fame. It was comforting to know they were in the audience. I was really surprised to discover that my brother and sister-in-law came up from Provo for it. We all went out for dinner afterward and I enjoyed every bite and each calorie!

Sadly, I had made arrangements for my compatriot from the Guard to come and take pictures with his fancy camera but his battery conspired against that happening.

...and my husband had our camera in his shirt pocket but did not take a single picture...
...he did the same thing at my recital...
...fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me...

In the green room.

I have a weird look in all these pics. I think that's the look of beta-blockers. I truly was very happy and very peaceful with the whole evening. It was so much fun [read: stressful] and I would love [read: likely never] do it again! I'm truly grateful for the opportunity to perform with an orchestra and choose to believe that there will be more opportunities [read: if I can ever win a flippin' audition] like this in my future.

Juxtaposition

2011-01-26T16:58:00.000-08:00

Musicians tend to do many different things to cobble together an existence. Especially the ones that don't land "the Job" - ever. While I am still holding out, at least for one more year, for "the Job" I keep myself busy with many different things.
Graduate School
Free-Lancing
Utah Wind Symphony
Army National Guard
Domestic Bliss

All of this keeps me out of trouble and sweet Daddy-O is always quick to observe that I am most happy when I am on the verge of chaos. This week is a good example of my varied activities.

On Monday I had the great fortune to play for the Symphony Guild Music Circle. I'm not entirely sure of their title as I have heard it referred to by a few different names. Essentially, it is a group of lovely, "mature", women who love to support music and musicians of the highest caliber. They asked me to perform the Zwilich Concerto that I will be performancing tomorrow night with the Philharmonia. It was a wonderful opportunity to perform the piece one more time before my *BIG* performance tomorrow night. I was in great company too: a young and incredibly poised flute player, a 12-year old violinist that made me look like a chump with all her fancy notes, a vocalist who is a finalist in the MET auditions, an award winning pianist...oh...and me. The married lady, with a kid, who plays a wierd instrument, showed up with a percussionist, and played a piece they had never heard of. Fortunately it went really well. We only set off about three hearing aids and the ladies said it was the most exciting recital they had attended in a while.

Then I went home and found that nice looking weapon pictured above. And since the only way to improve a BCM Ar-15 is with pearls, we took a picture.

Also on the docket for this week:
Concerto Performance with the Philharmonia tomorrow night
Sing Fergie, Lady Gaga, Black Eyed Peas and Journey with the Showband at a juvenile detention center on Friday morning with the 23rd Army Show Band "Cover Fire"
Follow that up with dinner and rehearsal with my French Trio

Something Magical

2011-01-10T17:55:00.000-08:00

Last night I noticed that our home seemed to be filled with more magic than usual. It all started when I was sitting in the living room and Mr. Man called out, "Mommy, do you know where I am?" I responded, "In your room?" "You have to come find me!" he challenged. I walked back to his room to find this *unbelievably* well hidden little boy huddled under his blanket. Daddy-O and I were sure to play blind for a few minutes as he was convinced, like so many kiddos before him, that if he couldn't see us then surely we couldn't see him. A spirited and hilarious game of hide-and-seek followed where I managed to out-wit both of my boys who looked straight at me in a closet and both failed to see me. This was followed by Daddy-O leading us in reading the story of Ammon. Ammon was blessed with great protection and strength, which was the higher lesson to learn, but also cut off a bunch of arms, which was super amusing to Mr. Man. We prayed afterward that we would all be blessed with protection and strength through our faith in God.

Today we enjoyed a pretty quick answer to that prayer - among thousands of others uttered over the years - when we attended Mr. Man's three-year IEP review and reclassification. In 2007 Mr. Man was diagnosed with autism and his IEP has provided services to him with that classification. I have always told our sweet boy that we could overcome his autism. I know I haven't always believed that in my core but I have always prayed for it. Every night we pray, EVERY NIGHT, that "Morgan's brain will grow and develop as it should." Every night...

After reviewing the barrage of testing for his reclassification it is with great excitement that I can say that Morgan Mark Crawford is NO LONGER clinically autistic. He essentially "failed" all the tests that determine if a child is autistic. We did it! HE did it!

Of course we are not free and clear from Special Ed or some of those pesky behaviors that look autistic BUT so much of the cognitive/behavioral impediments that plagued him are simply no longer a problem. Recognizing that our Brilliant Boy still has challenges, his team got creative to give him a classification that would keep him in the environment that has brought him constant progress and success (3 teachers, 8 kids, +support personnel) and to that end he has been given a classification for his "emotional" challenges. I feel very good about this, it is very accurate. I was further impressed by how close the scores were as observed by his teacher and then by us. In other words, what we see at home is what she sees at school. No shocking news or *surprise* issues.

I have to acknowledge that we were truly blessed as a family to see our son taken into the waters of baptism last week. Almost 22 years to the day, Mr. Man was baptized in the same font that his father was baptized by Grandpa Crawford. It has been a joy to see how seriously and joyfully our son took this monumental event. It was intensely personal for our family and has been recorded for our son in his baptism book. I'm not sure I took my own baptism as seriously. I am certain I didn't because today, after the great news of his IEP review my son turned to me and said,

"Jesus gave me three presents on my baptism. One was forgiveness for my sins. Two was the gift of the Holy Ghost. Three was healing my autism."

No, I am NOT paraphrasing. Those were his exact words. A moment of unbelievable clarity - of mind, of spirit, of communication.

I don't talk much of our specific beliefs in this record of our life. Perhaps because I struggle with our faith as a flawed woman. But I do believe that my son has begun a very personal relationship with his Savior, Jesus Christ. He is observing the blessing that God gives His children through their faith. Morgan believes that his choice to be baptized after the example of Jesus has "healed" him of autism, I am humbled to observe his great faith. We have watched a child who has been completely transformed in 4 years and it is an answer to prayers!

I know there is much more work to be done in the years to come but if ever there was a confirmation of hard work, faith, and prayers, this was it.

Utah Wind Symphony

2011-01-06T08:40:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas

2010-12-27T07:32:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas from the flannel family.

This amazing guy...

2010-12-15T21:57:00.000-08:00

There's no time like the present to reflect on the blessings of a good marriage. I'm sitting in a hotel room in Rock Springs, Wyoming. My husband reminded me tonight that our four year anniversary is tomorrow. Of course I didn't need reminding but it sure was nice of him to bring it up.

I feel like I've never seen this picture before. That is some passionate kissing right there. Pretty impressive considering I didn't love my husband on that day with the great passion that I love him now, four years later.

This is a fairly monumental anniversary for us. Not to bring up unpleasantries but neither of us made it this long on our first marital attempt. Lasting four years feels like an accomplishment not just because we endured but because we have really enjoyed ourselves. Four years has gone by so quickly!

This year has been rough on my Sweet Man. It all started with a shattered big toe and a new bassoon. It's been a whirlwind and I feel like I have been merely hanging on this year while my Steady Husband has been seeing to all the details. I can't begin to count the loads of laundry he has done, the sink loads of dishes, the lunch box packing, homework checking, not to mention going to two SEP/IEP meetings without me. My Handsom Prince has sat through countless concerts, listened to endless hours of practice sessions, endured frantic paper deadlines, and aquiesced to every desperate request to "Just listen to me and tell me what you think." He's sent me off to auditions, recitals, out-of-town trips and picked me up after concerts, late nights in the library, and long plane rides. My Always Patient Love, he's massaged sore muscles, healed injuries, and lifted my dampened spirits.

He always believes in me.
Is never too afraid to try a new diet.
Doesn't mind taking a long drive or just curling up on the couch.
He doesn't question when I beg for new concert black.
He surprises me by showing up in far off places.
He spoils me with little gifts - and always just the thing I want.
Always listens to me when I need to get my 5,000 words in for the day.
Knows exactly when I need the truth or when I need a little lie.
He makes me a better person by keeping me grounded.
He chastises me when I swear and reminds me to quiet down.
He makes me share dairy and that makes me stronger.

There are countless instances when my Sweet Love has said or done just the right thing in the past four years but especially this year - 2 major surgeries, 2 semesters of graduate school, too many out of town gigs.

He's the perfect man for an imperfect wife in an imperfect world.

I love you My Sweet. Thank you for all the goodness you fill my life with! Thank you for making these four years the best of my life. You are my favorite person and definitely my favorite husband.

The Boy Turns 8

2010-12-11T08:07:00.000-08:00

LM (how much longer can I use that) turned 8 yesterday. He was an inch taller, our last measurment was in Ocober. I'm fairly certain that if he sat still long enough, I could see him growing.

LM had three requests for his 8th birthday. A new tonka truck, sushi, and crab legs. He got the largest tonka truck available in stores and of course we had Sushi - sadly, no crab legs but that was only because our Sushi restaurant of choice doesn't serve them.

LM is obsessed with Cake Boss right now, thanks to Netflix and our fancy wi-fi blu-ray player. So we got him a cake...and told a lie...that it was from the Cake Boss in New Jersey. Things kind of got out of control...some comments about transport and such...at any rate, he now believes there is a special cake plane, that doesn't tip when it turns, and it carries only Cake Boss cakes to Utah. I won't indulge Santa or the Easter Bunny but somehow I have allowed my son to believe in the wealthiest Tooth Fairy in the country and interstate Cake Boss sales. I'm certain this is good parenting!

Part of the excitement of having an 8 year old, and living in Utah, is getting rid of the car/booster seat. Today we will execute this ceremony. I was ready to do a dramatic dumpster dash. My son suggested we give it to DI (Salvation Army) because it's still in good shape and other kids could still use it. I'm fairly certain this confirms that he is a better person than I. Does this mean my work as a parent is done?

I pointed out to him yesterday that with my signature at the ready, he is now a mere 9 years away from enlisting in the military! My last year in the Army will be his first! This fills me with Glee - that's right, the impromptu singing of classic rock tunes in a high school - kind of a feeling. His response was somewhere between a groan and a murmur. I think more push-ups will help to improve this attitude.

When we were in Maryland for Thanksgiving he mastered a double-knot on his shoe laces (that's been a 2-year endeavor) and my first thought: one step closer to independance.

All cynicism aside, let me devote a few lines to the TOTAL AWESOMENESS of my son:

I'm certain I have the only 8 year old in the country who:

~ asks, several times a day, "Can I help?"
~ sweeps all the floors and then asks if he can scrub them
~ thinks scrubbing the shower floor (covered in a strange greasy film from his father's chosen vocation as a mechanic) with a magic eraser is a form of recreation
~ sings with VIBRATO
~ calls his mommy a "Princess" even if it is a little weird
~ always has time for hugs and kisses
~ keeps referring to my phone as a "cell-o-phone"
~ doesn't play video games
~ looks forward to apocalyptic inclement weather (sorry we live in such a moderate climate, buddy)
~ has been told that Santa doesn't exist but currently thinks we are wrong because EVERYONE is ALWAYS talking about him
~ chose to sit next to Daddy and NOT mommy at the restaurant and when asked why responded, "Because Daddy holds the Priesthood and loves us."
~ thinks hanging out with Mom and Dad is still the best way to spend his time
~ prays for our "hard Prophet's work"...word order...he has a little Yoda in him still...
~ prays for every baby in our family including Grant, even though Grant is almost 6
~ loves his bottle cap collection and can report on it's current size, without hesitation, whether you want to know or not

I love you my sweet boy! You fill our home with laughter (even if it's a little hysterical) and bless our lives every day!

Affirmations

2010-11-02T15:48:00.000-07:00

A few things come to mind:

They like me, they really like me!

I'm a winner! (...and I never win anything...)

So glad I didn't give up and withdraw when I wanted to, 2 weeks ago.

I can't believe no strings or pianists won!

More power to wind players!

In the words of Lola, "TOWANDA!"

Happy Halloween

2010-10-31T16:42:00.000-07:00

So much goodness

2010-10-29T16:14:00.000-07:00

So many wonderful things have been happening that I feel like I haven't been able to enjoy the two most wonderful things in my life. I guess a little sacrifice is required when enjoying all the opportunites sent my way.

I traveled to New York City this past weekend to play a recital with Kara. It was part of Riverside Church's Christ Chapel Concert Series. It was wonderful! Kara always manages to create magical moments which always includes wonderful musicians. Personally, I think the best part of the recital was the Mignone duo that Kara and I worked out for bassoon and bass clarinet. I was reminded during my trip to NYC this summer that Kara is a bass clarinet wunderkind! She has been invited to audition for the San Francisco Symphony bass clarinet opening. I am crossing every cross-able joint on my body for her and great success with her CD round.

We did have a little mishap involving industrial kitchen ovens, $200 of Indian food, and perhaps a little too much heat. Let's just say that in the future Kara will only be serving cookies and salads for her post-recital receptions. A lesson for us all in simplicity.

The weather in NY was lovely and crisp. But after a harrowing direct flight back to SLC on Monday morning I found myself in 30 degree temperatures and fresh snow on the ground.

No big deal, except I had to get off the plane, shower, warm up and then play the concerto competition at school. My poor precious bassoon reeds! If those vegetables could talk they would have been cursing at me. They were in NO CONDITION to perform. I told my pianist, "Do NOT play a tuning A. I don't want to embarrass myself."

I just lipped that sucker up for the competition.

Despite my reeds having fibrous anxiety attacks (oh, and putting the piece together for the first time with the pianist and the percussionist) I totally *ROCKED MY SOCKS* and advanced to the finals round this coming Monday. (I need to find something else to cross.)

All in 4 days' work...

I will go on to say that I had a full on stress-fest the next day when I lost my concerto music, couldn't practice, got kicked out of my studio for the morning because our landlord had new windows installed, and had to request extensions on assignments for 2 classes (OH the backlog of school work.)

But it all worked out when Sweet Daddy-O came home from work, rescued me from my studio, took me to school, found my concerto music, and soothed me with his wonderfulness. Sweet pumpkin doughnuts and hot chocolate, I love that man!

Hi My Name Is Elizabeth...

2010-10-13T04:33:00.000-07:00

...and I like romantic walks on the beach, live music, taste adventures, long drives, and semi-automatic weapons.

Lastly, I do not like to be called Liz. Here's your sign: I introduce myself to you as Elizabeth, send several e-mails signed Elizabeth, and leave voice mail messages referring to myself as Elizabeth. What part were you unclear on?

I woke up at 3:30 this morning to greet my old friend Insomnia. It's been a while since we got together and I think it's fitting that my week long "break" from school should include a visit.

My toes are freezing but due to the massive brain stupor and recital pianist stress I am experiencing (not even sure how those things are related) I have chosen to remain sitting here with frozen toes instead of going off to locate my fuzzy slippers.

We are developing a past-time (tradition, habit, addiction) in which LM and I mark the change of the season by driving up Big Cottonwood Canyon, walk around Silver Lake and then continue over the mountain into Park City for lunch. This is the best way to note all the ways the world around us is changing. LM loves to discuss details like that. He's quick to notice and then compare how the trees, flowers, grasses, sky, temperature and clouds all advance through the seasons. LM is a soul soothed only by communion with nature. He's happiest when he is outside running, pushing trucks, or cozy-ing up (practically unnoticed) to ducks.

When LM was 4 and we were deeply entrenched in the struggles accompanying developmental delays and behavioral issues, I had a confirmation that he was existing in a space still quite close to his Heavenly Father. A child who struggled to articulate his own name and seemed to enjoy deep and dreamless sleep would occasionally share broken stories of "flying with Jesus." While I am acutely aware of the personal test of faith and patience I endured trying to engage my new son and keep him present in reality, I will never understand how he felt through those months of awakening. I now know my son to be strongly opinionated and downright verbose. I can't imagine how he struggled to be part of a world that was unclear to him, lacking the words to ask questions or simply share thoughts.

I know Heavenly Father blessed us as his parents to recognize that sometimes the best thing we could do for him (away from speech therapists, IEP reviews, discipline, correction, and frustration) was to show him the beautiful world he lived in. At times I have regretted the many moves, changes in schools, teachers, churches, and locale. But now I see a child that has a vocabulary which includes living and experiencing life in the green and snowy countryside of northern Michigan, the vast sun-bitten redness of Nevada's desert, and the the seasonal beauty of Utah's mountains. For a child who struggled to speak for the first 5 years of his life, he is now full of words, stories, and memories of the variety of his young life.

Tonight as I sit here with frozen toes and a mind heavy with the stress of graduate school, I am reminded that Heavenly Father has a plan in all things. That we are blessed not only in our home, our jobs, our cars, our family, our faith, and our health, but we are blessed by the world we live in, the experiences He sends our way, the doors opened (and sometimes closed), the path shown, and the opportunity to raise up a little boy in a manner pleasing unto Him.

Tough Choices

2010-09-30T09:45:00.000-07:00

My husband didn't want me to put this picture up because he says his head looks like an egg. In the other picture we took I look like someone just punched my ear. Touch choice! The one in which I look better wins.

One of the reasons this picture is nice is because I had my hair done - for the first time in my life. I actually paid someone to style my hair - not wash it, cut it, style it - just style it. Tough choice! It seemed really vain and selfish to pay someone to do my hair. Except $15 later when it looked fabulous for my Show Band gig that night.

Last week was a lesson in making tough choices. For example, I chose to be a member of the 23rd Army Band show band. I like to sing, I sing well, and it's good for me to test and challenge my abilities in the Pop/Rock genre. We haven't done many gigs as we are pretty new. On Friday night we had a gig to perform for the Air Force's 70th Anniversary Ball hosted by Hill Air Force Base. A good gig, lots of fun.

Five days prior I was asked to sub the whole week with the Utah Symphony on contrabassoon. Playing for a week with the Utah Symphony is important for MANY OBVIOUS reasons. I will highlight one superficial reason: $.

Four days prior I got another call to play bassoon in a pick up gig for some concerto winners.

Not realizing I had been booked with the Show Band to do an Army gig on a Friday night during concert season, I suddenly found myself in a PICKLE! *and not the sweet butter ones*

Touch choice.

I have spent more than a decade making music in uniform. It has provided me with many blessings and opportunities. I will highlight one: excellent major medical coverage for my family.

So there I was, cell phone in one hand, calendar in the other. Turn down over $1000 worth of gigs requiring 5 days of work or weasel out of my commitment to the Show Band?

As it turns out, you can't actually weasel out of any Army commitments because of this little thing they call AWOL. If you have to be there, you have to be there and when you aren't there you are in T-R-O-U-B-L-E.

It makes me glad for the easier choices. I will list one: marrying my husband.

Turning down a major symphony orchestra and saying no to the most important contractor of musicians in the state makes me uncomfortable but I guess that's how it goes.

I made maybe $100 that night and it was fun. The next night Daddy-O, LM and I all went to see the Utah Symphony concert I could have played in and instead enjoyed watching Uncle Zac who was subbing on bass trombone.

It's good to know that if one of us had fallen off the 3rd tier balcony, we wouldn't have to worry about the medical bills.

Double Take

2010-09-21T20:41:00.000-07:00

Saw a sign on the side of an ice cream truck on the way home. It read,

ICE CREAM CHILDREN CROSSING

I was grateful for the sign because I generally don't stop for ice cream children unless I want to eat them.

A lesson to us all: punctuation power makes all the difference.

The Book of Morgan

2010-09-15T07:42:00.000-07:00

Me: I thought we threw these sun glasses away?

LM: They were on the floor.

Daddy-O: I guess they jumped from the floor to the table.

Me: Couldn't possibly have anything to do with the hoarder in our family.

LM: They were on the floor.

Me: Really?

LM: (Looooong, irritated sigh) This was the process. They fell on the floor, I saw them and picked them up.

*He knows the best way to my heart is to establish a process.*

***************************************************************************
LM has severely chapped knuckles. This happens periodically and he is never able to articulate how it happens. It might be entirely dermatological in causation but I tend to think he has done something to create massive friction. We will never know...

Last night after washing his hands and slathering his knuckles with intensive repair lotion.

LM: My hands are going thumpety-thump!

Daddy-O: That's called "throbbing".

**************************************************************************
We all wake up at 7am. While LM gets ready for the day, Daddy-O will often massage my legs and back as they are pretty tight and sore in the morning. (Thank you massively tight hamstrings, nerve damage and arthritis.) This morning LM came into the bedroom to make requests.

LM: Daddy can you make me oatmeal...or you can just keep rubbing mommy.
**************************************************************************

Utah Wind Symphony

2010-09-10T06:54:00.000-07:00

I have had many dreams, hopes, wishes, ideas, and desires for my life personally, professionally, spiritually, and even physically. I've never really kept track of how many have come to fruition. I figure that many have because I live a very happy, peaceful life. But last night was the realization of something truly very special.

The Premier Concert of the Utah Wind Symphony

My husband stopped counting the audience at 457. Libby Gardner hold 600. I had friends that stood in the doorway.

The music...ah the music...it was satisfying...incredibly satisfying...it filled up my heart.

Scott Wolford turned to me at intermission and said, "I'm exhausted and I haven't even played that many notes."

I'm exhausted today - my whole body is soooooore. I am also completely at peace knowing that ALL of our expectations, as the organizing committee, were not only met but exceeded.

I wish I could be more poetic and snappy about this but I'm think I'm too tired to process the whole event properly. I will have to come back later when the words flow as abundantly as the music did.

Labor Day Weekend

2010-09-07T16:35:00.000-07:00

Woefully behind in blogging but here I sit in Bib. class finding myself less than interested in a map of the McKay Library which is currently being discussed.

These pics are much more interesting because they are of the 3 most important men in my life.

2010-07-20T09:03:00.000-07:00

"It was so good, it was existential..." that's what Kara said when I called this morning to let her know I was home and I didn't call yesterday because I fell into a coma upon returning home and not sleeping the previous night.

I'm getting ahead of myself.

Let's start back at the begining...

I arrived in NYC wholly unprepared for the heat and mostly having completely forgotten what humidity is. Looking at this picture, you can SEE humidity: wet pits, flat hair, drooping bo-- oh wait, that's just because I'm currently "heavy and healing."

I haven't seen Kara in four years. Shells and I stayed in her apartment 2 years ago but Kara was in London. I should explain that there is no good reason why Kara & Beth are celebrating 15 years of friendship. We have NEVER lived even remotely close to each other, we obviously come from pretty different backgrounds, and we have no mutual friends to speak of except the ones we keep introducing each other to. But some friendships are eternal in nature and so, Come Hell or High Water, we have been Thick as Thieves since our fateful meeting at music camp almost exactly 15 years ago. But that is a WHOLE other blog post...

Being that I was slightly damp and super hungry, we changed and hit Riverside for a cooling breeze and a walk towards Indian food.

This is where my Sisser Stacey lived during our shared exploits in the city. It was the most fabulous one room abode EVER! She would force me to have treacherous sleep-overs in her loft where I spend the entire night with my nails dug into her mattress, trying to avoid falling 10 feet from the shelf where her mattress lay, to the the ancient wood floor spanning 4 feet between 2 couches - summing up the whole width of her "loft apartment." She always made me sleep next to the ledge and at the first light of day I would sit up, hit my head, and wish her a happy Saturday. To Stacey's credit, she always paid for meals, provided taxi fare and, to this day, NEVER hesitates to pass along lightly used couture. I have the best biggest Sisser in the world and I'm so glad we have our city memories to share.

The next day we took my favorite train ride! Heading north out of the city along the Hudson River. That is the pic I took of my favorite view along the way. Kara decided to go nakkers for the trip. Just kidding, she was workin' a super sweet tube dress and probably a LOT cooler than I was in my Mormon Mom cotton shirt and capris. We trained it up to Croton to go see the inimitable Mama Dago and hear about her latest endeavors which is also a WHOLE 'nother blog post.

Next up, a meet up with Kara's sister Dana and my first introduction to the Man of the House, Tanner Jordan. This sweet little boy is intoxicating even when you are eating the best salmon with mango salsa known to the upper west side. All points - delicious.

Our next appointment was with the NYPhil at Central Park. Turns out they didn't get the memo and stood us up. After wandering around the park, checking in with the local street musicians and snapping a few pics we headed west to the Boat Basin Cafe for ice cream sandwiches and a tonic and lime. Turns out, that little "dive" is now the hottest seat in town on a Saturday night. We didn't stay...

The next morning was church service at Riverside back in my old neighborhood, Morningside Heights.

Andersen Hall is still towering over Sakura Park - oy, another story goes untold and that one involves blood and an unexpected night trip to Albany - Riverside is still gorgeous and Manhattan School of Music is still is the business of musicians. The Sunday Sermon was downright-righton! Mass distraction and the commodi-fication of the gospel. Would have enjoyed hearing that in a Sunday morning talk here in Zion.

Did I mention Kara got married to Mr. Jones and I hadn't met him? Well, there he is. They are both models and I'm a runt (in comparison.) Mr. Jones was kind enough to allow me to steal his wife away all weekend but he didn't leave without first bestowing a passionate kiss on Amsterdam and 124th.

We spent some quality time on 125th hitting up the plus size sections in deep discount consumerism (because it's SOOO easy to forget a good sermon and just be a sinner instead.) Then we headed over to Fairway, the greatest local grocer known to mankind. It sits right on the Hudson River and now sports a wonderful green-space right out the front door where you can enjoy an impromptu Fairway picnic lunch on the river. We enjoyed our tasty vittles and Kara feted me with a blueberry birthday cheesecake - 30 never tasted so good.

After that we headed home for a little break from the heat and humidity. We reemerged when the sun started to set and to "break bread" one final time....in K-Town!

Just noticed the random guy in mid town Manhattan Korea Town with a golf bag. So Korean! We feasted on spicy goodliness and let the hours slip away! Finally our tired feet took us to the subway for one final subway ride up-town.

We spent the balance of the night listening to Kara's latest recital (fabulous), comparing it to previous recitals, enjoying a personal concert of bass clarinet (is that key suppose to fall of when you pull it out of the case?) and clarinet (sorry neighbors) until we both passed out an hour and half before I needed to leave at 3:00 am.

There it is, barely more than 48 hours in the city but we packed it in! There are SO many pictures, stories, conversations not shared. I think I will need a week to recover. I made it back in time to get LM off to his first day of farm camp and share a meal with my hubby before passing out! So glad Daddy-O had the day off...when I woke up slow cooked and grilled ribs with corn on the cob and cold watermelon were ready...

Here's to a lifetime of shared experiences with my greatest friend! Thank you for sharing your life, wisdom and love with me. I wouldn't be the woman I am today with out the friendship of Kara!

Wild America: Meese

2010-07-13T07:52:00.000-07:00

My husband is incredible! He is currently ranked #5 in the western U.S. as Pep-Boys Automotive Technician aka Mechanic. With that comes a level of comfort in his employment. This included FINALLY asking his boss for two days off - can you imagine - back to back! Thus I had the great joy of spending Sunday AND Monday with my husband. Be still my racing heart...

Let me tell you, we packed in the fun stuff!

Found this at the top of our stairs before the adventures even began!

Earlier this week LM and I took Guardsman Pass from the top of Big Cottonwood Canyon down into Park City and we just had to do with Daddy-O again. We were not disappointed at all:

I have never seen a Moose in my life. What you don't see here is the Cow Moose. We were driving along when I literally screamed "Something huge!" I wasn't sure if it was a gigantic burrow or horse, we turned around and of course they had moved, my husband accused me of seeing things, but than they reappeared. Largest animals I have ever seen outside of a Zoo. It was incredible. My camera was woefully slow for catching the Mama Moose but the baby was no less impressive!

We continued along our way talking about their immensity. My husband shared stories of the mammoth Moose (he swears the plural form is Meese...) on Isle Royal, the Bull Moose with their incredible flatted racks...

*SCREAM*

"There's something huge in there, BACK UP!"

I know, it's a horrible picture, that's why it's so large, best chance to see what we saw. That, my friends, is a wild Bull Moose, right along the road we were driving. My husband was a little concerned at how close we were. Apparently they are aggressive and fairly fast. I took many pictures but with all the trees none did the beast any justice. It was amazing! They were absolutely hulking and so dark and the horns moving through the brush as he grazed...simply amazing!

I love Sunday drives!

Sunday evening we hosted some new friends who have moved to town. They are actually friends of friends and we had never met previously. Thanks to the immense smallness of the musical world we discovered that between my husband and I and the two of them, we knew all the same people! From total strangers - fast forward 4 hours and a lot of "Do you know..." - and voila! New friends.

I love Sunday evening B-B-Q's with total "strangers!"

We didn't waste any time Monday morning getting out and about at Discovery Gateway:

It's even more fun when Daddy-O is pegging you with balls from his seat..."Hey! Where did that come from?"

Lovin' dat man...

A flower for me?

We've seen worse on our local SLC news channels....

The day finished off with my brilliant idea to head up to Willard Bay for swimming and B-B-Q. Wow! We have never been there and it was fabulous! The water was "warm" enough for the adults to do a lot of swimming, the beach wasn't busy, and not at all nasty like the rest of the "Great" Salt Lake. Willard Bay is a fresh water bay before it combines with the rest of Salt Lake and well worth the 50 min. drive north.

We swam for hours and Daddy-O grilled pork and asparagus. De-lish!

I would say, "Can't wait to do this next week-end" but that would be a lie because

MAMA'S HEADING TO NYC!!

Increasingly Toothless

2010-07-13T07:20:00.000-07:00

After placing 3 cornish game hens into the shopping cart LM asks, "Are those alligator heads?'

I'll bite, "Sure are!"

"YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! I've been waiting to eat alligator head forever!"

Apparently we need to cut down on Andrew Zimmern and Bizarre Foods in our home.

Tongue Tied

2010-07-06T15:01:00.000-07:00

I wonder how many times we have poked fun at LM for being "tongue tied?" Listening to him stumble over words, struggle to start sentences, let alone complete them, and hours spent fixing his many impediments have been the sources of much frustration, tears and even laughter over the past 4 years. I remember fixing the following impediments while we lived in Las Vegas:

In Springville we spent a lot of time working to link all those tricky vowels to consonant sounds.

Not we mostly focus on speaking loud enough, clearly enough, and with some discernible sense. After 3 years of speech therapy and enduring life with me (a speech therapy graduate myself) he scores off the charts on his articulation testing...when he can come up with the correct word.

When we lived in Michigan (pre Autism diagnoses) "they" felt LM had aphasia. but that didn't account for the many behavioral issues. Then he was diagnosed with Autism which addressed the many behavioral concerns.

Today LM had a routine dental appointment. We have a new dentist because our coverage has changed. The dentist informed me today that LM is literally tongue-tied (ankyloglassia.) I was shocked! Could this have been the problem ALL ALONG? Apparently so. He said to monitor the speech therapy closely and consider seeing a myofacial specialist.

All I can think is:

NO ONE ELSE EVER THOUGHT TO LOOK FOR THIS!?!?!?!?!?!????

Really?

All these therapists, doctors, dentists, and psychologists in the past 4 years and NO ONE examined for this before this morning?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So in addition to struggling through the unique challenges of an autistic brain, he has a tongue that doesn't move freely, and eye site problems that don't allow his eyes to scan quickly or smoothly (one of the reasons he struggles so much to read.)

So...

...we went to the top of Big Cottonwood Canyon and walked around the lake...

...and I watched my very inquisitive, athletic, happy, talkative, intelligent son explore nature. Full of questions and observations, not to mention incredibly cute, I reassured myself: he's going to be just fine. We finished up our morning driving over the mountain from Big Cottonwood Canyon down into Park City where we had lunch out.

Dentist to LM: "Are you a lego man?"

LM: "Actually, I'm a bottle cap collector."

And that's that!

4th of July

2010-07-04T20:48:00.000-07:00

Happy 4th of July, from our home to yours!

(Wish you were here to share cake with us!)

Spoiled Kiddo

2010-06-25T22:02:00.000-07:00

Summer Vacation Week 1: Boise and Cousin Time

Summer Vacation Week 2: Visit from Grandma and Grandpa Crawford, lots of Baby Henry Time

Summer Vacation Week 3: Unbelievably successful Mad Science Camp

Today's activities:

Wake up, play outside, read scriptures with Daddy-O, go to out door range, shoot a .22

...head off to last day of science camp, picked up by Daddy-O, come watch Mommy sing with Show Band at "Army Party" with jump houses, Blackhawk tour, free snow cones, and games,
go out for dinner, come home, play outside, watch TV, go to bed late = 9:15 pm.

Daddy: "Do you know how amazing your life is?"

LM: "Well, sometimes the punishments distract me."

Boise

2010-06-13T23:04:00.000-07:00

Tuesday was the last day of school. As a mom, you kind of dread this for several weeks and then you get to the last week and suddenly sending your kid to school gets irritating. Especially once you have the summer planned out and you are anxious to get a jump on the F-U-N!

LM got home from school and we immediately hit the road for Summer Adventure #1: Boise and Milo's 7th birthday party.

I think this is the best trip to see the Andrus Family EVER! Grace, LM, and Milo are extremely close in age. For part of the year LM is the same age as Grace and then the same age as Milo. This trip showed that the 3 of them can finally play together without major trauma/drama. It was wonderful to take them bike riding, watch them build forts, converse through meals, pitch in together to complete chores, jump on the tramp and simply enjoy the trappings of adventuring with cousins.

This trip held so many wonderful adventures. For the kids: a trip to the state penetentiary which is now a musem and the ultimate kid friendly day trip. Imagine a self guided tour through an old prison where kids can run around, scream, imagine ghosts, climb into cells, scale iron bars, and concede that life in a prison is very bad!

Second highlight: Milo's Indiana Jones themed birthday complete with monkey brains, obstacle course, golden coins, pizza, friends, presents, and DIRT - the delicious kind.

For the adults: dinner at a Basque restaurant and discovering an incredibly vibrant and beautiful downtown Boise. A date out with my favorite middle Sisser at a fusion Thai restaurant, stimulating conversation, and much laughter. I have to insert here that Shell's and Jason LOOK AMAZING! What an inspiration to me...I even managed to exercise every day I was there. Speaking of...

I joined Shelley in a 5:30 am water aerobics class on Friday morning. It was wonderful and I can see why it's fairly easy to get up that early to enjoy such a great class. I have never done water aerobics before. To me, it felt like playing in the pool for 45 minutes. Shells strapped me in to a bunch of weird floaties and noodles and arm bands which I think were meant to keep me from drowning in 15 feet of water. The noodle was a tricky little bugger and flipped me over several times. The whole class was sure to laugh at the new girl fighting a loosing battles with a piece of foam.

The 45 minutes flew past and soon the class was over. Feeling invigorated, I pulled myself out at the side of the pool
- WHEN SUDDENLY -
I was pinned down to the tiles at the edge of the pool as the full force of gravitational pull paralyzed my body...

"Shelley! I can't get up! What is this? I can't move!"

It seemed all of my strength had been usurped by the black whole forming in the pool just behind my immense rear and when I could summon no further strength I was sucked, most violently, back into the pool. Sliding effortlessly back into the weightless glory of buoyancy.

I resurfaced just in time to hear the encouraging snorts of my Sisser's laughter, "Yeah, it is kinda hard to get up after that." Her words barely audible through her hysterical laughter.

Kinda hard? I would say, Dear Sisser, near impossible.

I pulled myself out of the pool a second time, immediately crumpled into a ball (perhaps more a boulder at this point in my life) and again cursed the gods for gravity.

My Sisser's taunting laughter aside, I mustered strength from deep within me and was finally able to heave myself into an erect position.

I think she had my demise plotted the whole week...

Thanks to the Andrai for an awesome trip! Can't wait for the next one!

Summer Sunday

2010-06-06T20:54:00.000-07:00

Summer has finally settled into Utah...or perhaps it's spring. I'm not even sure. I'm just so glad that the snow we had in May is finally gone and I can run errands without a jacket.

This Summer Sunday I'm happy to reflect on a several blessings of the day.

Skype - the only thing better than talking on the phone to loved ones spread across the country is being able to see them on your computer screen. One step closer to a boob-crushing-hug!

7-year-old-boys - who were chatting on Skype about 2 very important things: bottle cap collections and treasure hunting in Michigan.

Walking to church - though the chairs at church are very back surgery recovery UNFRIENDLY!

Back yard patios - my hubby and I sat out to watch the thunderstorm roll through the valley. It was warm, windy, and wonderful! I love our little back patio (with a roof, not sure what to call this little architectural wonder) and can't wait for future summer storm watches. That is what the picture above is from.

Other things:

We registered LM for 2 day-camps this week. He will be spending a week at Mad Science and a week at Wheeler Historic Farm. Additionally armed with several memberships at the aquarium, discovery museum and the aquatic center I think this summer will be much better.

In two days we will have a SECOND GRADER!!! WHOA!!!!

"We can do hard things." Katie Snow Miller

2010-05-29T13:53:00.000-07:00

This is my friend Katie. This is an old picture (c. 1997.) Some day my friend Katie is going to be famous.

Famous in a quote-of-the-day-calendar-type-famous. Why? Because she has a fabulously witty blog where she writes about her life as a mother to four of the funniest (and cutest) little boys. While the shear chaos of managing such exciting boys is easily gleaned by simply reading her words, she always finds a way to sum it all up, witty, thoughtful, and poignant. Hence her blog POST this week.

We can do hard things.

Indeed that is a profound statement.

For 5 months now I have systematically eliminated everything that was too hard for me to do. At various times I decided I just couldn't do things because they were too hard:
-toe surgery
-being on crutches
-driving in a walking cast
-making it to every rehearsal
-eat right
-exercise
-take care of myself
-back injury
-finish the semester
-shave my legs
-live without narcotics
-homeschool my son
-live with myself
-love myself
-wake up one more day
-recover
-heal
-be strong

Pretty sad state of affairs, these past 5 months.

That is Victory Tower at Ft. Jackson, SC.

My senior year in college was hard - very hard! My parents encouraged me to graduate a year early and I just thought it was too hard. One day my mom sent me a picture of Victory Tower and said, "If you can do that, you can do anything." To this day, she still reminds me of Victory Tower when I get too pessimistic.

Today I need to remind myself of all the hard things I have done:
- Basic Combat Training
- graduating from college a year early
-a year in South Korea, cut off from my family
-divorce
-becoming a mom
-becoming a mom to a special needs child
- moving cross country with no money, no job, no home
-selling off my livelihood to move cross country
-working in a nursing home to put my husband through school
-conquering depression
-giving up my career
-returning to my career-surviving 3 back surgeries to walk another day
-walking 2.5 miles this morning

So as Katie reminded me today: We can do hard things!

Really hard things!

And as it turns out, they weren't that hard. They were uncomfortable, for sure. They were demanding. They made me learn new things. They forced me to do things differently. They required me to consider something new and foreign. But I did them and in the process I discovered that I was ready for even harder things in the future.

We can do hard things.

I can do hard things.

Every day I watch our son do hard things, things we never thought he would be able to do: talk, read, tie shoes, prepare his own breakfast.

He can do hard things.

Thank you Katie!

Nip Tuck

2010-05-17T14:16:00.000-07:00

It still amazes me how something as small as a vertebral disc and a nerve root can cause a person's life to stop, completely halt...for months.

After my second surgery I went into recovery, ate a little something, used the "facilities" and with a little help from my husband (at the time) and a friend from church, hobbled out to my car for the long, very painful, ride home.

Much to my relief and even more to my husband's relief, I was admitted over night after my (3rd) surgery this time. Four days after the surgery my partner in crime, fellow back surgery survivor, as well as Super Sisser, Shelley came down from Boise to care for my many needs.

When Shells arrived I could barely get out of a chair. By the time she left I was walking unassisted and even picking a few things off the floor. That's what Sissers do, ya know, miracles and stuff. (Old pic - I'm fatter now and she's skinner now. Weight = sometimes you have it, sometimes you don't.)

The day before Shells left my leg cramped up TIGHT. The day she left I felt certain my sciatic pain had returned. With the return of that and her departure the tears flowed hard and fast. I could barely keep it together as she gathered her things and saved the howling tears until after the door was closed.

Several days passed and the sciatic pain set in right along with the deepest depression I have experienced in my life. The kind of depression where all you do is sleep and scream at the very people who love you the most.

On Sunday, yesterday, Daddy-O had the day off. I was MISERABLE but he finally dragged me out of the house for a walk in Memory Grove Park (a secret jewel in Salt Lake City.) The warmth of the sun was intoxicating and Daddy-O promised me that whatever was wrong, it could be fixed.

We got home and I popped open the laptop, typed in "sciatic pain" and put all the faith I had left into the scouring investigative skills of google. It came back with a nice website that had all kinds of information on sciatic pain including causes. One being piriformis syndrome - this is a muscle deep in your bum (a little deeper for some of us) which when irritated/injured/spasming it tightens and pinches the sciatic nerve as it runs down your leg creating sciatic pain akin to that kind of pain experienced by those with a herniated disc.

Now don't worry, my MRI confirmed a very real and serious herniation. The surgeon not only fixed that herniation but also enlarged the socket through wich the nerve runs as it exits your spine and cleaned out the scar tissue from 2 previous surgeries and many injections.

BUT the fact is, when I was in the walking cast after toe surgery (the progenitor of so many evil issues in my life) I repeatedly complained about pain in my hip/bum area. Even talking to a Chiropractor in my Guard unit who confirmed that the walking boot had definitely thrown out my right side.

The website had videos and information on stretches to work it out as well as a recommendation to use a TENS unit which I already own.

After a few minutes of partner assisted stretching and a few hours of TENS unit I woke up this morning a WHOLE NEW PERSON. Well really just that old person known as Elizabeth who has been absent since, like, January. Today, my first narcotic free day and sciatic free day. I just keep stretching and used the TENS unit on my longest walk yet this morning.

So here's to miracles, Sissers, good Surgeons, comprehensive health care, overnight hospitals stays, google and most importantly, my Daddy-O who is the most patient man I have ever known.

Ah, loooooooove

2010-05-08T07:00:00.000-07:00

LM is in love with a little girl at school, Grace. She has blonde hair and he has stated, "I am seriously in love with her."

This is serious!

********************************************

Yesterday LM came home from school and proudly declared that he had been kissed on the playground by a little girl. He couldn't stop smiling! He doesn't know her name but she is taller. He's pretty certain she is in the same grade though obviously in a different class. They were talking and when her teacher called her class to go back in, she left LM with a kiss on the cheek.

This is serious!

Back surgery

2010-04-26T17:48:00.000-07:00

If all goes well, I will be going under the knife on Friday for my 3rd back surgery. The above is a video of a discectomy. Even if you can't watch it you should listen to the music while reading my self loathing post. This is similar to what I am having done, plus a laminectomy (removal of bone covering), cleaning out of scar tissue from previous surgeries, and a little exploration of what may have caused a 3rd herniation of the same FABULOUS disc.

Love the music in the video too, somehow very fitting!

I have not been a hero with this latest trauma/drama though I did manage to sit through a week of opera rehearsals and performances. (un)Lucky for me things took a drastic turn for the worse the day following my completion of the Poulenc and I am now almost completely worthless. I amped up my meds to make it through last week and then went off of them because of the heinous nature of narcotic side affects. But going off the meds have created their own fun.

I'm hoping that in the 6.5 years since my last surgery, things have gotten even more efficient and my recovery will go swiftly. But there's nothing scopic or lazer or faddish about a 3rd microdiscectomy. It's just down and dirty buying time until disc replacement becomes a viable alternative while avoiding fusion at all costs.

Feelings very sorry for myself, and my son, and my husband. Who both have to put up with a total shrew right now.

Please pray for me, for insurance paperwork to go through, for a swift recovery, and that this may be the last back surgery I ever have to endure.

Pearls

2010-04-07T19:10:00.000-07:00

Me: "What are you chewing on?"
LM: "Just my germs."
Me: "No, I mean, what's in your mouth."
LM: "Oh...just my teeth."

***********************************

"Mommy, girls are like a life cycle. People die every day but girls have babies. It's a life cycle."

Easter 2010

2010-04-05T06:56:00.000-07:00

No Easter Egg hunt which is just fine with me. Ba-hum-bug you say? No, it's called focus. Last year we were in Idaho Falls for Easter which was a blast. Year before, in Alpine with the Fugals, also a blast. But when you ask your child why Easter is important and they say, "Ummm because of eggs and chocolate." You know it's time to re-center.

Stayed on my feet yesterday, which is far superior to sitting at this point.

We were very lucky to be invited to the Zac Crawford's in Provo to share Easter dinner with them. I got to hold the Brand New Baby Boy for almost an hour and fell

Deeply, Intoxicatingly, Mesmerizingly In Love

with Henry Crawford.

Now a new Auntie 2 times in one month!

I welcomed Dear Sweet Henry (and in a way in absentia homage to my new little Maxwell) by cooking up a storm:

Ham
Scalloped Potatoes
Green Bean Casserole
Steamed Asparagus
Fresh Vegetable Plate
Fresh Dipped Milk Chocolate Strawberries
Pineapple Upside Down Cake
Homemade Rolls

This Easter I am grateful for those spiritual things that everyone touts this time of year.

Mostly I am grateful for healthy, baby boys and strong, baby bearing sisters!

Wonderful family.

Strong painkillers.

A patient husband.

A cute son...who reminded me last night that he really stops functioning correctly at about 8:00 pm. If we are at home I don't notice it so much when he stays up past his bedtime. But whenever we are out and the clock strikes 8:00 all bets are off. Watched him tip a plate filled with cake crumbs over onto the floor twice last night (post 8 pm!)

...uh...

2010-03-30T15:47:00.000-07:00

I'm so unbelievably behind in documenting the many adventures that fill my life.

A few weeks ago my right leg started talking to me. It was a little distressed about the walking boot it had been carying around for 6 weeks. I reminded it that I had gotten rid of that boot 2 weeks early by buying fancy shoes for my new bionic toe. It then protested because the calf muscle had been dessimated. I cautioned it right back; those new shoes were designed to build calf muscles.

But that right leg just got angrier and angrier.

Then it brought in reinforcements: lower back.

The three of us went to Reno, NV because my wind ensemble was invited to perform at the College Band Directors National Association conference. I tried to appease the back and leg with a heating pad, medicine, hotel pool and spa. They refused to accept my offers.

I performed with our newest group, the 23rd Army Band Show Band, at the annual Utah Military Ball. I put on heals, shaved my legs, downed a lot of painkillers, secured my fake eyelashes, and gave it my all. Half way through I abandoned the heals for my quasi orthotics, downed a few more painkillers, and kept smiling.

The following week I went on the offensive and got mad right back! I had big needles shoved into that nerve running down my leg and into my lower back. Steroids filling the space and assulting them at their level.

I waited the four days.

No relief.

Things start to fall apart for me when it feels like someone is kicking me in the lower back and dragging a knife up and down my leg.

Spring Break came and went and no relief.

I took all my medical records over to the fancy spine clinic. Now I wait.

This brings back many nightmarish memories from 2003 and 2006.

School...uh...let's just hope I make it through this semester.

Dancing in my Dreams

2010-02-16T18:45:00.000-08:00

My graduate adviser plays clarinet with the orchestra for Ballet West the professional ballet company here in Utah. A few weeks ago in my woodwind pedagogy class she made a snarky comment about having to play for "Swine Lake." ...tsk...tsk... Since then I have planned and plotted to attend the ballet.

My mother, always determined to expose we three Ball girls to the finest culture available in western NY, would take us to see The Nutcracker in Rochester. In addition we all enjoyed several years in Ms. Helen's School of Horrors....I mean Dance. Stacey was by far the most accomplished and in addition to advancing to the skill level of pointe, she went on to hold the Cheer Stick as Cheerleading Captain of the WCHS Cheerleading Team. Seriously, no teasing here. Her pursuits as dancer and cheer-meister are the only reasons I can spell A-W-E-S-O-M-E to this day. Thank you Sisser!

Later in life I had the good fortune to attend an arts high school were I was surrounded by, among many other things, aspiring Prima Ballerinas. Not only could they go days without eating (a feat I always failed in attempting) but they had the most graceful, disciplined, outward pointing feet, bodies I had ever seen. As I sat in Stone cafeteria finishing off my chocolate milk and no bake cookies I would stare dreamily off towards the "Dancer Corner" where they would be snacking on celery, stretching...endlessly... and bending each other into romantically supple positions. All the while thinking that, by GOSH, if I couldn't make it as an inflexible bassoonist there may, somehow, someway, be a future for me in dance!

*Let's over look the fact that I can scarce touch my knees on my most flexible days.*

ALL THIS TO SAY: I love to watch ballet.

But I haven't been to the ballet since my last viewing of the Nutcracker somewhere in the mid '80s. Yeah, like, totally last century.

When my husband asked what I wanted for Valentine's Day, slipping in the fact that he would be working the entire week-end, I declared, "Dinner out and the ballet!"

If you can't go out with your hubby, cute 7 year old boys make a stellar replacement.

LM and I went out for Korean, a walk around the Gateway to see the fountain and enjoy the fires, and then to the ballet.

I was not disappointed. Granted it 'aint the Bolshoi and the Corps du Ballet is, how do you say....small. But the Prima was divine. I swear her skin was glowing, her calves were larger than her thighs, just as they should be and her arms, her hands...perfection. If I could dance, well, I would have danced just as she did.

Three acts and two intermissions later I was completely satisfied. The Boy was the perfect date and honestly I think Daddy-O was quite relieved to have dodged the ballet bullet.

StayCation

2010-02-07T19:51:00.001-08:00

This weekend my Wind Ensemble from the University of Utah played for the Utah Music Educator's Association conference in St. George. In preparation for this my husband worked extra days so he could have a three day weekend and drive me down to St. George. The other option was driving in a bus for 5 hours with undergrads and sharing a hotel room with 3 other grad students. NO THANKS!

We took off after our failed home inspection attempt on Friday afternoon. Walking around in a boot has caused a MAJOR disaster in my lower back and what started out as tightness on Thursday was a full on lower back, left leg sciatica, meltdown by our drive Friday afternoon. With my heating pad plugged into the car outlet and my husband stroking my hair, I dozed in and out for the whole car ride.

Glimpses of snow covered mountains drifted in to my slumber. My confusing naptime dreams were punctuated with the sing song voice of The Boy in the backseat,

"Daddy how many gallons of gas have we used?"
"How many miles have we gone?"
"Daddy how many miles until we get there?"
"Look at that, Daddy."

Daddy-O answered questions...each...and...every...time...they...were...asked.

Dinner out.

A romp in the outdoor heated pool with crisp rain falling slowly.

A long soak in the hot tub.

Finally I resorted to our room where I discovered that I had forgotten ALL of my pain medicine.

The boys, at my request, stayed in the pool much longer where Daddy-O patiently taught The Boy how to hold his breath long enough to dive to the bottom of the pool.

The next day we gave a wonderful concert and clinic for the music educators. Several members of my National Guard Band were there, as they are band directors.

Rain fell steadily in the desert and we started home rising out of the low desert back into the white and gray of the mountains. Away from the red rock.

I was busy trying to get my reading done and shared the longest of the run on sentences with my husband - as long as it contained at least 3 words that made no sense.

We stopped at my favorite gas station in Fillmore for chocolate milk and apple taquitos. The Boy chose gatorade which of course sweet Daddy-O had to check for poison.

"Daddy why do you have to check everything for poison?"

"So you won't die."

"Won't you die from the poison?"

"Of course not! Daddy is a SUPERHERO! That's why he checks for poison, so you won't die!"

Darkness fell as we entered Utah valley. I packed up my article, yet unfinished, as we reminisced about how much our life has changed since we lived in Utah valley, in Springville, with the residents at Canterbury. It's hard to imagine it hasn't even been a year yet.

We pulled onto Hillcrest Avenue, the end of a long trip, The Boy perfectly behaved in a car for hundreds of miles. Perfectly content to ask questions, read books, and color.

As Daddy-O pulled into our parking space The Sweet Boy piped up from the back seat,

"Thank you for all the fun, Daddy."

Yes, thank you Daddy-O.

Contentment in the MOST important things.

2010-01-28T11:50:00.000-08:00

This is Daddy-O with his Lady and Daisy, the greatest Dog in the world. We are in pajamas, in northern Michigan, having just awoke after a peaceful night of sleep. I'm certain there is a toasty fire in the unseen wood burning stove and probably something delicious being cooked up in the kitchen. LM isn't in the picture but that's because he probably woke an hour earlier and darted outside to push his truck through mounds of snow.

Last year we allowed ourselves to attend one of those high power sales events for vacation condos...R.E.I. I think. After watching a video showing tanned, toned, and happy families romping on the beach or horseback riding in exotic locales we were ushered to the back room where a "friendly" salesman challenged my husband to love me enough to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a vacation condo. He challenged,

"When is the last time you went on vacation?"
...pause...
"Spending time with your family and camping don't count."

What?

This morning as we got ready for the day we had the travel channel on which was featuring personally owned luxury jets. One of the gentlemen they profiled spoke fondly of his jet saying, "When I get in this jet to head off to the [Florida]Key's, grab cocktails in Vegas, or vacation somewhere I know I'm finally having fun." Cut to shot of him with bleach blond junior companion getting drunk in the back of the jet. I wonder to myself, he doesn't have fun the rest of the time? He has to surround himself with people looking for a free jet plane ride, cocktails, and other sundry handouts to escape what is apparently a very unhappy daily grind?

It occurs to me, every day, that I love nothing more than seeing my husband's face at the end of the day. Whether he's picking me up at school or walking through the door covered in grease. Nothing fills me with more peace, relief and contentment than knowing that we are all home, safe, warm, bellies fed, and with each other.

There was a time when I filled my own unhappiness with shopping and racking up credit card debt, drinking wine to fall asleep, and disappearing for hours at a time to "find happiness" away from the daily life that made me so unhappy.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I feel supremely...lucky...blessed...the recipient of great fortune...to find happiness in my daily life. Being a wife to a wonderful husband, endeavoring to be a great mom to a remarkable little boy, going to school, making music, serving in the National Guard and loving my family passionately. It's fun, it's adventurous, it's wonderful! I laugh every day... and smile at cute little rosy cheeks, greasy hands, dishes in the sink, a studio with reed tools. All the objects and events that make my days sometimes crazy, or long, but mostly just happy...and peaceful.

I'm one of the lucky ones. I know that. I'm thankful.

Classic

2010-01-17T10:21:00.000-08:00

LM: "Mommy, where does ham come from?"

Me: "Pigs."

LM: "Pork comes from pigs too."

-pause-

LM: "Who do so many delicious things come from pigs?"

**********************************************************

After discussing the different shapes of our noses,

LM: "I don't know why we are different but I still love you!"

Colbert + Bassoon = WOW

2010-01-12T09:31:00.000-08:00

Chirstmas Surprise

2010-01-09T15:24:00.000-08:00

Several weeks ago Aunt Rachel drove up to SLC for LM's birthday party. While hanging out at our place afterward Mom and Dad Crawford surprised her with a ticket home to Michigan for Christmas...a very inexpensive ticket. Rachel sat down at the computer wondering how much we could fly to Michigan for. Turns out it wasn't much. Rachel was sworn to secrecy, tickets were purchased, and thus began the biggest Christmas Surprise I have ever been part of. Christmas morning we woke and opened presents, called Mom and Dad Crawford, chatted and said thanks for fun gifts. What they didn't know is that a few hours later Mom and Dad Ball dropped us off at the SLC airport for the long journey to the Wilds of Nothern Michigan (Cheboygan, MI.) We took a late flight which was delayed...as was our connection. We landed in Detroit at midnight feeling pretty lucky since the "Underwear Bomber" had unsuccessfully attacked earlier that day in Detroit. We picked up our rental car which Daddy-O was very displeased with. The good woman at Alamo said, "It's late, there's no selection, take whatever car you want." We upgraded from mid-size to luxury. Heated leather seats are worth every penny.

The next five hours were a blur for me. But at some point I woke to snow falling a few miles from the family "farm" in Cheboygan. We woke and readied LM who had done a great job keeping the secret from his grandparents for over 2 weeks. We pulled down the dark, snowy driveway, adrenaline pumping, parked, ran inside, pounded up the stairs, and burst through the doors, "Merry Christmas!" The shock of our unexpected entry caused a little fear of home invasion but overall, Mom and Dad Crawford were surprised and happy to see us (putting it lightly.)

A trip to Cheboygan in the winter never disappoints. It was a winter wonderland, snowing every single day we were there. There were many adventures to be had for LM playing outside for hours with Daisy the Dog. We went tubing at the Winter Park in Petoskey, drove the Tunnel of Trees, went bowling, cross country skiing, out to the movies, did lots of baking and cooking (I made a second even more successful go at Beef Bourguignon and steamed clams and mussels), napping, spent time with Grandma Einhardt, made smores in the wood stove the night we lost electricity for several hours and managed LOTS of eating. Lost 10 lbs in preparation and did my best to gain each pound back.

In short it was a wonderful trip that ended too soon! Every time we go "home" I'm overwhelmed with the desire to live in the Wilds of Northern Michigan, make babies, and find contentment in the country. Spending time with Mama Crawford is always filled with laughter and wisdom. Going to church in the Cheboygan Branch leaves me yearning for non-Utah Mormons. Watching LM explore acres of wilderness seems a huge advantage over a little brick house in the middle of the city. As we boarded our flight home LM turned to Daddy-O, "It's okay if you want me to live with Grandma and Grandpa in Cheboygan. I would like that!"

I promised LM that he and I would go back this summer without Daddy-O to enjoy all the fun a Michigan summer offers.

We made it home just in time to celebrate Grandpa Ball's birthday, have our car broken into, and for me to have surgery to reconstruct my toe.

Merry Christmas (eve)

2009-12-24T21:54:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas from the Crawfords (too bad Daddy-O had to work today!)

This Christmas -

- made beef bourguignon for my family and it was fabulous
- decorated with 1/3 of a Christmas tree (so that it would fit in a corner and under a ceiling)
- planned the biggest surprise EVER
- spent Christmas eve with BOTH of my gorgeous sisters
- laughed heartily with cousins over VHS footage from the '80's
- took time to remember the Great Gram Ball
- enjoyed a spontaneous visit with the daughter of good friends (reminded that it's good to know people wherever airlines may cancel your flight and never be too afraid to call)
- Chinese food for Christmas Eve dinner with the Zac Crawfords, especially excited to greet the ever-growing Henry
- played "Hungry,Hungry, Hippo" and "Connect Four" with nephew Milo and Lola (some games never go out of style)
- played Midnight Mass at the Cathedral of the Madeleine
- made a 4.0 in the first semester of my masters degree

Can't wait to see what Christmas Day brings!

The Four F's

2009-12-18T07:29:00.000-08:00

I have found that the older and wiser I become, I desire only a few basic things:

Family, Friends, Food, Firearms

Hence yesterday Daddy-O, Uncle Zac, childhood friend Katie Baldwin, IAA alumnus and fellow bassoonist Mitchell Bodily and I all went out for Sushi & Shooting. It all began when Mitchell received his mission call to the Ukraine. Then later admitted that he had never had Sushi. My husband and I vowed that he would not leave for his mission without tasting Sushi. Then Daddy-O suggested that with Mitchell headed off to Eastern Europe, it would be best if we schooled him in a little small arms fire. I agreed...as did Mitchell. Then Uncle Zac showed up and Katie flew into town and suddenly we were a gang of high brow eaters and low brow shooters. It was a blast! (No pun intended.) Daddy-O bought me a new Ruger LCR .38 Special with laser grips a few weeks ago and I FINALLY got to shoot it. Mitchell, that natural born killer, brought along his own sexy little .22 which was a lot of fun! Sushi was splendid though I think it turned Mitchell's stomach. But he has promised to give it a try someday off in the future. At least 2 years down the road. Photographic proof follows:

Happy 7th Birthday

2009-12-13T09:42:00.000-08:00

This birthday was a milestone birthday. We planned months in advance. Location and activities chosen by LM. Friends invited with Transformer invitations - the first birthday to include children. It was a grand success! A sledding party at Sugarhouse park (can't believe our luck that there was actually enough snow to sled), pinata, Spiderman cupcakes, children, and lost of smiles and laughter. LM was a little oblivious at times (like when we sang the birthday song and when other kids took their turn at the pinata) but everyone enjoyed themselves. We invited all 14 kids in LM's class - 5 came...it was perfect.

Happy birthday my sweet boy!

Thanksgiving 2009

2009-11-26T10:05:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving from Salt Lake City, Utah!

We are thankful for:
- our Magical Boy, about to turn 7 and doing fabulous things every day
- our Daddy-O who works hard in a great job to provide for us
- new opportunties that inspire us to grown, learn, and progress towards our dreams
- a wonderful, warm, safe home
- cars that work without issues...ever
- family that loves and supports us
- great friends, near and far, who share their lives, laughter, and wisdom
- the Gospel of Jesus Christ
- a strong marriage
- good health coverage that we pay for
- hope, faith, and ADVENTURE!

In keeping with the spirit...

2009-11-16T07:32:00.000-08:00

...of 100 Days of Happiness, I will be permanently adopting the format of sharing pictures and thoughts of what has made me happy in the past week.

Bassoons on trial!

The first really sticky snow, a boy who needs to live in Alaska, tonka trucks, cold toes and fingers = it's hot chocolate season folks and that makes me smile!

The scenic drive to Provo (through Park City, Heber City, and Provo Canyon) on a Sunday afternoon to celebrate Aunt Rachel's 25th birthday. If you don't like these, you may not have a soul. (I took some amazing panoramics but blooger is being unfriendly and won't let me upload in the correct size.)

100 Days of Happiness FINALE!

2009-11-09T10:25:00.000-08:00

Pausing to reflect on happiness over the past 100 days has left me feeling like this:

Days 91-98

2009-11-01T09:37:00.000-08:00

There were so many things that made me happy this week.

1 - Having a free bed and headboard delivered to our home from one of my husband's co-workers. We have always cautioned the grandparents (who have all offered to buy LM a bed) that his mattress would come off he floor once he started producing AKA never. Lucky kid, he benefited from the kindness of others despite his parents miserly ways.

2 - My absolute favorite detail of our home in Sugarhouse is the gorgeous views I have from my studio. This week was no disappointment. As I practiced Monday morning fluffy white flakes fell from the sky. The first snow makes me very happy!

3 - Halloween as a family! The last time all three of us were together for Halloween was in 2006. We started off the evening with the traditional Crawford Halloween feast. Mine was not as abundant as Grandma Crawford's but none the less yummy. I featured Halloween gnocchi (butternut squash gnocchi), bloody sauce (spaghetti sauce), and black rotted eye balls (black grapes), washed down by a bubbling, troubling, brew (Martinelli's.) We then headed out for trick-or-treating. Every year I am reminded that to trick-or-treat is really a fine art of human exchange. LM was coached, like every year, with protocol. But when he approached each house he did what he felt was right - display incredibly ingratiating manners with much repetition. It went something like this:

LM approaches door and searches for several seconds, through his mask obscured sight, for a door bell.

LM rings doorbell.

Adult opens door and is immediately smitten with our obviously adorable son (even though he is covered from head to toe.)

"Trick-or-Treat" yells The Boy as his hand plunges deep into the recesses of the candy bowl. Some Treaters hastily lifted the bowl in an effort to evade the clutches of our candy starved child. Others indulged his whim to "Take a handful!"

Adult comments again on "how scary" our little Alien is.

LM launches into litany of "Thank You!" "See you later!" "Happy Halloween!" and several more "Trick or Treat" (at one point confusing an older gentleman who gave him more candy with each subsequent "Trick or treat!")

His exit is further delayed by aforementioned mask obscured sight and also by his desire to wave no less than 2 times at each candy purveyor.

He approaches us on the sidewalk at nothing short of a sprint (at one point over come by gravity, splaying his limbs and showering a lawn with candy which was redeposited into his bucket with many additional leaves) where we debrief, remind, and instruct:

"Lift your mask when you walk down the stairs."
"Stop waving."
"You don't need to thank them."
"Don't walk inside the house."
"Take only one candy."
"You don't have to have good manners tonight."

After an hour LM declares that is is time to "Go home and get cuddly."

Fine by us!

As we tuck him into bed he mentions not feeling well...we lecture, "That's what you get for eating all that candy."

THEN THE NIGHT GETS REALLY SCARY.

At 12:30 I am woken by The Boy who says, "Mommy, I puked in my bed."

"Okay buddy, go into the bathroom I will be right there."

I stumble to his room where I see a scene that could only be matched by a violent horror movie crime scene. Red chunks are sprayed all over the wall, red liquid covering his bed and dripping between the bed and the wall...of course. In the background I hear more heaving in the bathroom.

I immediately start dry heaving.

This is my Achilles tendon as a mom. I believe firmly that when you birth a child you loose your gross-out button. But since I didn't I am frequently caught grossing out with resultant deep, gut wrenching DRY HEAVES.

At which point my husband, dear sweet DADDY-O, saves the day. A real live Superhero, not just a costumed man!

He strips the bed, while I strip the boy (dry heaving), and clears away the HUGE chunks, moves the bed where we discover SO MUCH MORE! I reenter the room only when it is a matter requiring Mr. Clean's magic eraser and bleach. My area of expertise.

I will end this tail of tears here. The Boy stretched out on the couch while I squished onto the love seat for the balance of the night. He frequented the bathroom many more times and each time the puke was a different color (blood red, bright green, brown - you get the point.)

Night of Terrors - and it was all free!

Happy Halloween

Days 83 - 90

2009-10-24T13:50:00.000-07:00

There are many reasons that I prepared for this trip with great anticipation.

This was not one of them.

I traveled to Atlanta for an audition with the Knoxville Symphony which was unsuccessful. That being said, it's important to realize that the pursuit of a win is a process and I am now one audition closer to winning.

After the degradation of a failed audition it's always fun to connect with people who make you feel better. Enter Heather: bassoonist, IAA alumnus, mom, and all around fabulous lady. We met, we chatted, we giggled, and I felt better. Heather and I need to make an effort to see each other more often considering the last time I saw her was c. 2001. Fortunately we are not women who get caught up in details such as time and distance.

I was able to stay with some of my favorite people in this whole world: Jolene and Mark Davis. These are the type of people who make it so easy to pick right up where you left off - even if it was 3 years ago! Staying in the Davis home rivals the accommodations of any 5-Star hotel: comfy bed, luxury linens, hundreds of TV channels, good food and excellent people. Being back in LaGrange, GA was a mixed bag of thoughts and feelings but hanging out with Jolene and Mark was pure bliss. Thanks for being such impeccable hosts. I can barely wait for our next rendezvous!

Finally, just a snapshot of why I love and miss the Southeast: green trees, small towns, quaint stores, and classic traditions.

Back to Happiness

2009-10-17T10:38:00.000-07:00

In the process of soliciting funds for a new bassoon I made a slight diversion from 100 Days of Happiness. But do not be dismayed, happiness was still abundant and acknowledged. Most recently we were very Happy to host the Andrus' for an impromptu visit so Shell and Jason could celebrate their anniversary and the cousins could play.

We started the visit on Friday night with Shell, LM, G and I all attending a live taping of "From the Top" at the U of U. A good omen of school choice! I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE "From the Top" and could not pass up the opportunity to demonstrate for my son how accomplished a young person can be - though we don't indulge music in this home. That trail of tears will be reserved for other people's children.

The cousins had a blast playing and making Halloween crafts (each was $1 at Michael's in case you are looking to fill a Saturday afternoon.)

What makes me happiest is this...giving my Sisser a squeeze! Wish my other Sisser and parents could have been with us but it sounds like they were busy having a blast in Boston. Check it out HERE.

Did you know?

2009-10-05T10:55:00.000-07:00

Do you notice something missing from this picture? I have a reed, lots of tools, music, a great studio space...

...but NO BASSOON.

Did you know that most (no real statistical analysis done) professional bassoonists play on a Heckel bassoon? Did you know that most Heckel bassoons cost anywhere from $18,000 - $42,000? Are you shocked? Go HERE to see proof of this. Yeah, those are the USED Heckels.

Did you know that I am taking 3 auditions in the next 3 months: Knoxville Symphony Orchestra, Houston Grand Opera Orchestra, and Victoria Symphony Orchestra are all holding auditions for second bassoon. Did you know that I have wanted to be a second bassoonist since my undergrad at MSM? Did you know there is no shame in choosing to be a second bassoonist? Did you know that playing second bassoon is an entirely different skill set from playing principal bassoon? (Let me just say this: soft and low.)

Did you know that we have a VERY CONSERVATIVE budget and earnings? Okay, well everyone knows that. Did you know that I have a new gadget at the top of my left column...yup...right there...see it...BASSOON PURSUIT. That's right, you can now make a donation towards an account set aside for the express purpose of buying me a new bassoon.

Did you know that I don't currently own a bassoon? We sold that off to move out of the GHETTO in Las Vegas so our son could go to a good school and live in a safe neighborhood, so that my husband could go to school full time and pursue his career, and so that we could pursue a better quality of living. It also bought us a bed because we were sleeping on the floor, oh, and a dresser because all of our clothes were in a box...which was also on the floor...in our quality GHETTO apartment. It also bought us a car because the other one got stolen. Do you feel sorry for me yet?

So if you ever feel like gifting me something, stop back over to the top of my gadget column and make a little donation to my bassoon fund. Together, we can make a difference in the life of one lowly bassoonist in pursuit of one VERY EXPENSIVE instrument.

WAIT, that's not all.

If you make a donation I will love you FOREVER!

*FYI, I have a borrowed bassoon currently. I don't actually intend to show up at the auditions and play "air" bassoon.

Days 56-63

2009-09-27T16:51:00.000-07:00

Working together as a family is best symbolized by a puzzle. All the many parts have to come together just right to see, and enjoy, the whole picture. This week started with a lot of puzzle pieces of varying shapes and sizes. Initially I couldn't see how any of those pieces would fit together.

Saturday after finishing a National Guard gig I felt that dry tickle in the back of my throat which foretells nothing good. Sunday morning Daddy-O woke to find me laying on the bathroom floor, crying, moaning, with a fever, nausea and aches and pains all over. We went to the VA hospital ER (which I will definitely do in the future as it was fast, empty, and FREE!) Strep throat test came back positive.

a-w-e-s-o-m-e, awesome...awesome...totally.

We have been crossing our fingers all week that Daddy-O and The Boy would avoid contracting it and so far so good.

Monday and Tuesday I stayed away from school while the antibiotics worked their magic. Then Wednesday rolled around and I plunged back into life with a Utah Symphony rehearsal, school orchestra rehearsal, wind ensemble rehearsal, 2.5 hour theory class and then a wind ensemble concert.

The rest of the week contained more rehearsals with the Utah Symphony, my avoidance of bodily contact with anyone, a savage and ultimately failed attempt to accomplish my TA work, school rehearsals and Utah Symphony concerts on Friday and Saturday night. On Friday night Aunt Rachel drove up so Daddy-O could fix her computer and before he knew what hit him, I had him taking me on a dinner date before my Utah Symphony concert (while Rachel babysat The Boy.)

Today was my first day to relax...and bake bread, practice, work on reeds, do homework, and spend time with My Boys. All in all, the many pieces came together as we shuffled divergent work schedules, school schedules, childcare arrangements, sickness, and additional rehearsals. In the end I enjoyed my first gig with a major professional orchestra, my husband there to support me. Today amidst "getting things done" we have had a whole day together as a family which are the most precious moments of the week.

Again I see how abundantly blessed our little family is - each of us happy and productive - and I know that what we are doing is not just good but BEST.

Days 49-55

2009-09-19T13:11:00.000-07:00

Sunday mornings and German pancakes = happiness.

Sunday evening with Daddy-0 and homemade funnel cakes = happiness.

Realizing that my son shares DNA with a string bean = jury's still out on that.

Days 44-48

2009-09-12T15:55:00.000-07:00

What a week! Labor Day we enjoyed the whole day as a family. We attempted to access recreation in the form of a hike up Doughnut Falls. That is until we were turned back from the trail head parking by the Police because there was no more available parking as EVERYONE in the Salt Lake valley apparently had the same idea as we. No worries, we decided to go the season closing game for the Salt Lake Bees but then got stuck in West Valley trying to find a mall with a Sears and JCPenny. Just trust me when I say that it was much harder than it should have been. But hey no big deal, we missed the game and decided instead to go see a trailer race at the speedway - then abandoned all hope for recreation and headed home for dinner and a redbox.

In the end Labor Day resulted in one new concert black blouse for Mommy.

On Wednesday and Thursday I worked on a KBYU-TV studio recording with violinist Jenny Oaks-Baker. She recently released a new recording from which KBYU selected pieces to be broadcast on TV. This was a very fun gig (and really good money.) Especially all the costume changes...a different dress for each piece. Plus all the dramatic flourishes to end each piece. I realized in the recording process why bassoonists lack any and ALL commercial appeal: we don't strut or flourish at all...ever in fact. Nor do we seek out costume changes, cable TV performances, or movie music transcriptions. But hey, where would that studio orchestra have been without 2 lowly bassoonists?

It was also fun because the other bassoonist was none other than Dr. Chris Smith from BYU's school of music. For two days this very nice man, who once gave me a scholarship to study with him, allowed me to pick his brain in between takes and share his wisdom with me. I have always said that Chris Smith was the best part about BYU. I felt very honored to do a gig next to him and hope to be able to do it again soon.

Because of the recording I was able to skip out of school for a few days and three weeks into my masters degree I am already very happy to skip school.

This week also brought an invitation to sub with the Utah Symphony for their concert in two weeks. I will be playing on only 1 piece but hey, it's paid and I'm easy.

Friday night brought along a fun trip to the state fair (free admittance to military.) Good thing we didn't pay because it was much less interesting than the Wyoming County Fair. The best part was eating alligator and discovering that I no longer have the stomach for amusement rides.

LM had the rare opportunity to get up close and personal with an owl and FLIPPED! The handler thought he was so funny, declaring him her favorite kid of the whole day, she invited LM back to the cage to feed the owl and gave him a free poster. LM casts a spell over people in this way. His very natural and uninhibited zeal for life garners the affections of pretty much everyone who meets him.

Hopefully that will stick with him into adulthood.

Day 43

2009-09-06T16:03:00.000-07:00

I LOVE meal planning! This week's menu: cabbage jigae, spicy sausage lentil soup, eggplant parmigiana, meatloaf and mashed cauliflower, and roasted chicken. Even if I completely abandon this masters degree I need to keep cooking this way - it's so much easier and saves a lot of time in the long run.

Day 41 - Au Revoir Summer

2009-09-05T09:17:00.000-07:00

{A little out of order on this one.}

Thurdsday evening as I practiced LM enjoyed the warm evening pushing his trucks in the backyard and frolicking between the sprinklers. As the sun set a few minutes earlier than we expected it occured to me that another summer is fast fading. I must admit that I'm a bit relieved to see this summer pass to fall. We have enoyed some great adventures this summer but also struggled with many disappointments and frustrations. LM grows ever wiser and demanding while Daddy-O and I struggle ever harder to provide the best life for him. I was so sure of many things at the begining of the summer and now that fall is fast arriving, LM starts a new school year, I begin my masters degree, and Daddy-O excels in his career the only thing I am sure of is: our family. That we remain strong, that we support our Daddy-O, and that we say family prayer every night. Everything else...well, I guess the rest are simply details.

Day 42- The Best Date Ever

2009-09-05T08:25:00.000-07:00

I think I can count on one hand how many "traditional" dates I have had in my life. Not impressive. Even 6 months at BYU failed to provide my life's story with a fairytale date complete with flowers, kitschy theme, and yummy food. Last night changed that!

Last night Daddy-O and I turned ourselves into Girlfriend and Boyfriend and went on a date. Anyone who knows our love story knows that dating during our non-existent courtship was...non-existent. But last night we found ourselves with a Friday night schedule wide open, a few dollars in our pocket and Aunt Rachel to the rescue as a babysitter.

We started off the evening with a new Sushi restaurant downtown. We have become Sushi connoisseurs since moving to Utah because surprisingly there are a few inordinately good sushi restaurants. It was our duty to test and review this new sushi joint. Our final decision: excellent service, decent rolls. We would return though it still pales in comparison to Sushi-Ya in Orem, UT.

Next my husband treated me to a live jazz concert. Last year I had the wonderful opportunity to take jazz voice lessons with Kelly Eisenhour. Kelly is a nationally acclaimed jazz vocalist, her latest CD rising to the top of the jazz charts and featuring Bob Mintzer. Unfortunately for us, last May she left Utah for a job in Seattle. She returned last night to perform once concert with the same group that she used for her latest CD and it was SPECTACULAR. I enjoyed her CD but her live performance truly top notch. Daddy-O is NOT a fan of jazz and has been known to mock my Ella recordings more than once. When I turned to him during the first half to ask him how miserable he was, he admitted that he was actually enjoying himself. Victory!

After that aural feast we had to finish out the evening in true glutton style and popped over to I-Hop to be sure they were maintaining their quality food and service since our last visit maaaaaaany moons ago. Turns out, all is well with I-Hop.

Thanks for a great date Daddy-O! I love being your #1 gal!

Day 40

2009-09-01T07:29:00.000-07:00

On Sunday I did a LOT of cooking. What you see above are: 6 portions of meatloaf and mashed parsnips, 6 portions of sausage-shrimp gumbo, 6 portions of dwenjang chigae (Korean soybean paste-tofu soup), 2 loaves of bread and a roast chicken which was later turned into 6 portions of chicken salad (LM's favorite!) I started cooking around 1 pm and finished...many hours later.

Why does this make me happy?

When I got home from school at 6:30 last night I opened the refrigerator and saw these wonderful meals already prepared simply waiting to be popped in the microwave and consumed. Wouldn't that make you happy?

I prepared a two week menu and shopping list in preparation for my grad school schedule several weeks ago. We trialed it with great success. But during my testing week I failed to execute it and thus spent the first week of classes wholly dependent upon my mother-in-law to provided meals for 5 days. Lesson learned!

The K. Morgan Crawfords

Weekend trip to IDA

Very late birthday post for The Boy

Sola the Wunder-pup

For my husband...

Some updates on the "home"-front

Ball Family Christmas 2011

ALIF: Anterior Lumbar Interbody Fusion L4-L5-S1

Thanksgiving 2011

Veteran's Day 11/11/11

The First Night

Patience is NOT my virtue

I guess I'm the 1%

Annual Fall Colors Drive

Where I Turn for Peace

"For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need."

· August 1 at 8:28am

Romans 8

Counting Blessings

Thursday 3:59 pm

Love, True Love

Irritation Nation

Dearest Boy,

It's just the right thing to do...

Utah Wind Symphony

Two and a Half Thumbs

Sunday morning for SINNERS

Spring break (for me)

No snappy title for this one.

Out like a Lion

chuggin along

At least he's honest.

The Concerto Performance

Juxtaposition

Something Magical

Utah Wind Symphony

Merry Christmas

This amazing guy...

The Boy Turns 8

Affirmations

Happy Halloween

So much goodness

Hi My Name Is Elizabeth...

Tough Choices

Double Take

The Book of Morgan

Utah Wind Symphony

Labor Day Weekend

Wild America: Meese

Increasingly Toothless

Tongue Tied

4th of July

Spoiled Kiddo

Boise

Summer Sunday

"We can do hard things." Katie Snow Miller

Nip Tuck

Ah, loooooooove

Back surgery

Pearls

Easter 2010

...uh...

Dancing in my Dreams

StayCation

Contentment in the MOST important things.

Classic

Colbert + Bassoon = WOW

Chirstmas Surprise

Merry Christmas (eve)

The Four F's

Happy 7th Birthday

Thanksgiving 2009

In keeping with the spirit...

100 Days of Happiness FINALE!

Days 91-98

Days 83 - 90

Back to Happiness

Did you know?

Days 56-63

Days 49-55

"For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.
Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need."